The 5 Most F***ed Up Things to Ever Happen at BC

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Boston is a strange town, full of bizarre secrets. In a desperate, never-ending quest to prove its superiority to New York City, Beantown doesn’t flaunt its craziness out in the open — it buries them deep, next to the Founding Fathers and curb-stomped Yankees. But no secret can stay hidden forever; the darkest moments of Boston and BC shall be unveiled tonight.

5.) The Reign of the Boston Tickler:
In the spring of 2014, residents of Chestnut Hill began reporting incidents of a strange and terrifying nature.   A masked figure, shrouded by a layer of pure creepiness, broke into the homes of various Boston College juniors. Once there, he proceeded with the most grotesquely unsettling act known to man… an uninvited foot tickling. Yet upon his victim’s waking, he vanished into the night- leaving nothing but shock and fear-boners in his wake.

BCPD has gone on record saying the Tickler was an overblown myth spread by English majors fantasizing about their ever-to-be-released screenplays. But many claim this is a hasty cover-up meant to soothe public anxiety. Indeed, the string of playful home invasions only stopped when SWAT teams stormed Sesame Street and dragged a screaming, giggling Elmo into an armored truck.

4.) The Great Chipotle Poisoning of ‘15:
Is nothing sacred? In 2015, the fundamental American right to stuff your face with a burrito the size of John Legend’s ballsack was violated. Numerous members of the BC community were stricken with E. Coli after dining at the not-really-Mexican establishment. A sinister plot by the Organic Food lobbyists throttling our legislature? Or did one of Chipotle’s cows have a raunchy night at Maryann’s before hitting the slaughterhouse? You decide, dear reader. You decide.

3.) The Belfast Project:
Ireland might not strike you as a hotbed of rebellion and instability, because nobody there’s ever worn a burka or been hit by a drone strike. But from the late 60’s through 1998, Northern Ireland shook with the echoes of war as the Irish Republican Army (IRA) sought to break Britain’s hold over the territory and establish a fully united Ireland. This period of unrest, bloodshed and horror subsequently came to be called “The Troubles”- keeping Britain’s unbroken streak of coining Earth’s most polite war nicknames.

To bring this all closer to home, in April 2016 the police forces of Northern Ireland sought to force BC to release sensitive tapes- tapes containing interviews with Anthony McIntyre, an IRA prisoner during the conflict. McIntyre’s collection of interviews and research into the Troubles, called the Belfast Project, features testimony from participants on both sides of the conflict- many of whom were promised that the tapes would only be released after their deaths.

BC’s head researcher on the project called the Northern Irish imposition a “fishing exposition” and warned that academic freedom was “under siege.” This historically significant battle over the scars of a bloodied nation rages on, and really puts everything else on this list into perspective.

2.) BC Clamps Down on Condom Distribution:
Remember when volunteers used to hand out condoms on the sidewalks of BC every weekend? Not if you arrived after 2014. The organization BC Students for Sexual Health (BCSSH) used to provide such wondrous gifts, as well as information on safe sex and various contraceptives.

But in 2013 the administration apparently caught wind that students were (gasp) having extramarital intercourse in dorms, common rooms and unlocked classrooms across campus. They acted swiftly, banning the distribution of condoms and damning BCSSH to lowest level of the organization totem poll- No assistance from OSI. Of course, since the organization already didn’t receive any university funds, this had a limited impact.

Since this momentous decision, BC has returned to the path of righteousness and no student has experience any bodily pleasures whatsoever.

1.) The BC Basketball-Fixing Scandal:
 One may very well wonder how BC basketball, regularly pitied for its inability to outshoot a pistol-wielding toddler, could possibly have an “especially low” point in its history. But one team pulled off the miracle the only way they knew how- tangling with the Irish Mob. In 1978-79, the “Goodfellas gang” of Eagles Jim Sweeney, Rick Kuhn and Ernie Cobb led this ill-fated effort under orders from legendary mobster and Martin Scorsese body double Henry Hill. After a season of fixed games and triumphant shots of Bailey’s, the game was up and the offending team purged from official annals of BC sports history.

Instead, it is remembered through far more permanent histories — ESPN documentaries and Hollywood glam. A movie version is in the works from Seth Gordon (director of the upcoming Baywatch remake) and Robert Carlock, co-showrunner of 30 Rock and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Inside sources say that the entire BC basketball team will be played by Zac Efron, and Father Leahy will be played by Unbreakable star Titus Burgess.

Could there be more secret disasters lurking out there, ready for a daring, dashing young student to uncover? A young student like… you?!

Probably not. This list is utterly, shockingly comprehensive. We’ve already found out everything there is to know. Sucks to suck, bro.

Get ya darty sear before it’s too late!