Who wants to walk home through crowds of glaring people with everyone staring and giving nods of disapproval because they what filthy things you did last night? No one. That being said, everyone has to do the walk of shame at some point — whether it’s a one night hookup or a long-term relationship, you’ve to get home in the morning. Here are the best routes to take for your inevitable walk of shame.
10.) The Alley Behind Bay State Road:
With only a couple cars and other walk-of-shamers passing by, this is the most low-key option. Keep your head down and avoid awkward eye contact at all costs, because everyone knows what you did last night. However, odds are if they’re walking down the alley behind Bay State at 9 a.m. on a Saturday morning, they are in the same boat. No shame for this walk of shamer!
9.) The Esplanade:
If you’re going to have to do the walk of shame anyway, why not have a nice view of the Charles River and MIT? There may even be comfort knowing there is an MIT student on the other side of the river doing the walk of shame with you. How nice it is to feel so connected to someone of that intelligence level!
8.) Through the GSU:
There’s nothing like some nice, loyal Panda Express to support you on your walk home. This route takes you through central campus, so it’s “central” to everything (kinda). Plus, there are always booths for different organizations that you can donate to in order to make up for the guilt you feel after certain events from last night that shall not be disclosed.
7.) Down the Charles River:
It’s simple: rent a boat, gather the entire BU rowing team, and row down the river straight to your dorm. It’s not exactly a door to door service, but it’s close enough. Plus, the boat will be moving too fast for anyone to actually notice that you are doing the walk of shame. If that’s too difficult, you could always just swim your way up the Charles like an escaped convict.
6.) Brownstone Fire Escapes:
Jumping from fire escape to fire escape is definitely the safest way to get home. You’ll draw a lot of attention to yourself and may even get arrested, but the good news is that getting arrested involves a completely different walk of shame that draws more attention and is even more embarrassing. Isn’t that what you were going for? Attention and embarrassment?
5.) Newbury Street:
This may be out of your way unless you live in Danielson (RIP) but there are many breakfast/brunch options to appease your ever growing appetite on your long walk home. Also, you can go shopping for new clothes to make it less obvious that you spent the night somewhere that wasn’t your own dorm.
4.) Through Your Hometown:
Nothing will make your parents more proud than you stopping back at home during your walk of shame back to your dorm. They will be so surprised and excited that they may even forget about why you stopped home in the first place. You’ll also get to see your dog, and your dog will never judge you. This option is the clear winner.
3.) To the Airport:
While you’re there, hop on a plane and fly off to a foreign country. Preferably somewhere warm, where you’ll never again have to look anyone in the eye who may have seen you on that godforsaken walk home.
2.) Through Starbucks:
Considering we have six different Starbucks on campus, this actually counts as six different routes (you’re welcome). There’s no better way to start the day than with a cup of coffee and a nice, long walk of shame. At least the coffee will bring some normalcy to your night out look that you just so happen to still be wearing the next morning. With this nice little boost of energy, you can start to forget about any mistake you may have made the night before and get straight to your 14 hours of homework. What is BU, if not a walk of shame followed by coffee followed by piles of essays and exams?
1.) Straight Down Comm Ave.:
Right down the middle of the road. The best way to go about these situations is to own it and admit defeat to the walk of shame. 98% of people on campus have done this, so at least you’re not alone. Stride of pride down the busiest street in Boston, baby!
Done reading? Play the age-old game: Dog Toy or Sex Toy!