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Finals Mark Annual BU Competition to Determine Saddest Person on Campus

Nothing makes students more sad and depressed than the thought of our already suffering grade crippling even more after a overly difficult two hour exam. As finals are but a few days away, Boston University enters the annual tradition of Terriers trying to out-sad each other every chance they get. 

“Ugh,” local lacrosse player Steve Laxman said to the 53 year old Dunkin’ cashier on Comm Ave before ordering. “I’ve got all three of my finals on the same day, can you believe that? That’s gotta be worse than anyone else has it, right?” he continued, despite the cashier walking away halfway through his spiel. 

“Finals week came early for me HAHHAH,” Connie Writerson perked up from behind Steve, attempting to talk over him. “I only have one final, but also has two final film projects and ad campaign to initiate. It will be hard, but I think I will pull through,” she continued, trying to make eye contact with literally anyone. “I may have spent the last four nights in COM and dropped $800 on coffee from Pavement, but, on the bright side, I don’t think I’ll have to retake COM101 again next semester after a full year with Supa!”

Human physiology major Karen Busy started crying into her chem textbook in an attempt to get someone, just anyone, to ask about her finals. Karen “needs an 87 percent on the final to pass chem,” and there is no convincing her that she will do better if she sleeps. “No, I can’t. I literally cannot sleep. You don’t even get it. I have 3,000 exams on Monday, 20 papers due on Tuesday, and have to sacrifice three rabbits to Lord Cthulu before he rises from the St. Charles River at the stroke of midnight on Wednesday.” 

Meanwhile, CGS student Mark Flunken has officially given up on this school year after already failing two of his midterms. “You know, there’s not much I can do at this point. I am truly looking forward to transferring to a different school next year that doesn’t have the honor of being named ‘college with the hardest finals’.” When pressed on how he felt no longer being in competition for BU’s Saddest Student, he merely smiled as one who’s unshackled from the oppressive chains of a GPA. 

Currently leading the competition is business major, Harry Snakelin, who hasn’t taken off his suit in over three weeks. Like a depressed car salesman, Harry slumped into his chair. “The suit has conformed to my figure and I can no longer take it off without cutting it, but I have another presentation tomorrow,” he whimpered.  “Looks like the suit will stay on for a couple more days.” Harry tells us he has been too busy studying the art of scamming to take a smoke break, let alone change out of his suit.

Finals haven’t even technically started yet, but students all over BU are ready and willing to tell literally anyone who will listen how busy and sad they are. But don’t worry Terriers, this will all be over soon! Sort of! 


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