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Allston Rats Agree to Sublet Apartment to Desperate BU Sophomore

BOSTON UNIVERSITY—BU sophomore Brett Wilson has reported that he’s finally found a place to stay in Boston during the summer while he completes his 10-week internship at Fidelity Investments.

“You have no idea how relieved I am,” said Wilson. “My middle finger was exhausted from scrolling through those sublet-apartment posts on Facebook. I almost gave up looking because everyone’s asking for outrageous prices. $800 a month with utilities included? Hell no. I’m broke. Thank god Remy slid into my DMs and hooked me up with an Allston apartment that I can actually afford.”

The mysterious Remy that Wilson refers to is a crusty-looking little guy—actually, rat—that has generously offered the hopeless sophomore a place to live over the summer.

“I wasn’t gonna let him stay at my crib at first,” said Remy. “He kept on saying that I looked exactly like that fuckin’ Pixar rat that cooks fancy shit, but I don’t see the resemblance at all. Where is he getting that crap from? Anyway, after I threatened to give him rabies, he promised two things. One, he would never make those Ratatouille jokes again. Two, he wouldn’t destroy the apartment while I’m gone. If he did, then I would actually give him rabies. Why? ‘Cuz you don’t mess with nobody from Rat City.”

Upon further questioning about details on the “apartment,” the Allston rodent wasted no time in explaining what he calls the “B.Y.O.F.” system.

“It stands for Bring Your Own Furniture. Unlike the other renters in Allston, I actually sublet my place out for dirt cheap. That means you gotta haul your own shit here. As a rat earning a minimum wage salary, I can’t provide everything. It’s not the Ellen Show, bro. Besides, most people are okay with my policy. Just ask the last person that I leased out my place to. He said it wasn’t that bad…right?”

BU junior, Zack Evans, Remy’s last subletter, confirmed that the B.Y.O.F. system was okay—in theory.

“I’m cool with buying my own furniture,” said Evans. “But it’s really tough to bring an 8-foot long IKEA sofa down to the sewers. So I ended up not bringing anything at all. It was chill though, because that meant I had more space to jerk off to videos of Rhett the Terrier. Man, that stuff turns me on.”

When asked if Evans had any advice for Wilson before his move, the junior’s face turned grim.

“I sure hope that you like the smell of someone taking a massive dump, because that’s what you’re gonna be inhaling for the next three months. Oh, and don’t forget to bring shower shoes. Seriously. I can’t stress this one enough. You don’t want to get yourself into deep shit—literally.”

Wilson plans on moving into his “apartment” right after final exams week. He claims that his current single in the newly renovated Myles isn’t good enough given its hefty price tag.

“Screw Myles. I got a steal with this Allston place,” said Wilson. “I can’t wait to tell my parents the good news, but I hope that my mom doesn’t freak out. She hates rats.”

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