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Students Prepare for BU Friends & Family Weekend in Apocalyptic Fashion

As BU Friends & Family Weekend quickly approaches, BU’s campus has devolved into nothing short of the apocalypse. Pure anarchy reigns as students begin to receive excited texts and phone calls from parents regarding their upcoming visits.

The war came first. In the few CVS locations across campus, fights broke out over cleaning supplies. Swiffers were used as weapons, and Student Health Services dealt with a crowd of approximately two dozen victims sprayed in the eyes with Lysol.

Cara von Strauss, a worker and witness to this war, is still traumatized. Through tears, she told us her tale: “I tried to help them. I just asked what I could do, but over and over, they just growled back at me. People were throwing Clorox wipes, soaked in dish soap. I just sat in the corner and cried… I guess I don’t know what it’s like. I’m from Cali. No parents for me!” 

Next, chaos overcame the streets. Trash from the dorm rooms filled Bay State Road. Empty “water” bottles were thrown out windows, despite numerous defenestration laws.

Tara Getts, local Target employee, noted their depleting stock in sweaters. I stopped one customer to ask about why sweaters are so popular suddenly. I mean, it’s been 80 degrees all week! She told me her ‘weekend dresses’ are not exactly the types of dresses her parents would approve of. So I guess people just don’t want their moms worried about how they wear sundresses in Boston.

Famine and plague came next. Crickets can be heard in the dining halls as food is no longer a priority. Colds have sprung up all over as students, soaking in soapy water, run, wheezing, down Comm. Ave to replenish their supplies. Breathing in the dust that has gathered over books and desks has caused coughing and sneezing symptoms to rise dramatically.

Tomorrow marks the next stage: the arrival of the anti(something)s. After the nice greetings and loving embraces have faded, Saturday is likely to be judgement day, following by the final sign of Parentocalypse: silence as students are forced to sit through lectures on cleaning habits for an upwards of 2 hours.

During the despair and anxiety that has defined this past week, it is important to know there is still hope. We sat down with Phil Amable, local fireman, to find out his plans to maintain order. He says that this happens every year. They have issued an official warning to remove all tissues, poorly graded research papers, and any other kindling lying around. Phil explains, “Every year, we have at least 7 dorm fires and a few spontaneous combustions from parents unhappy with the state of dorms, grades, whatever. It’s difficult. It seems to always happen around Sunday morning… always.”

May the odds be ever in your favor.

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