BUkini Bottom: 9 BU Colleges as SpongeBob SquarePants Characters

author-pic at Boston University  

The SpongeBob events popping up all around Facebook have us missing Saturday morning cartoons. A time when your biggest concern was picking between a Trix yogurt or a packet of Gushers, not whether or not your pizza order from Otto’s or T Anthony’s will send your bank account into overdraft. Well, as Patchy the Pirate would say, “Are you ready, kids?” Probably not, but let’s ruin some childhoods anyway with 9 BU colleges as SpongeBob characters, extra credit if you call your TF Barnacle Boy.

9.) Questrom as Mr. Krabs:
You pretend you’re Squilliam Fancyson, but in reality, you’re really Eugene Krabs. You’re in this to get some of that sweet green and have a few business ideas up your sleeve that would make Plankton drool with longing. You’ve also had quite a few weird hookups, how else did he end up with a whale for a daughter?

8.) CAS as Squidward:
You can’t add fast enough to be in a different school, and you’re not artsy enough to thrive in COM or CFA. Whatever your major is, you’ve been told it’s a bad one, and every essay you submit comes back as a B- with the sentiment “Bold and brash? Belongs in the trash,” attached to it.

7.) CFA as Pearl:
You have a flair for the dramatic and aren’t afraid to go after what you want. There’s a specific aesthetic you strictly stick to and Urban Outfitters has copied most of it. You claim Rihanna is the voice of our generation and have a pastel-only Tumblr.

6.) SHA as Sandy Cheeks:
You have the good ol’ southern hospitality factor going for you. Everything is bigger in Texas, just like your inferiority complex when everyone forgets SHA exists. Feel free to karate chop those folks back into line.

5.) Sargent as Larry the Lobster:
You pick things up and put them down and most definitely don’t go to a school for weenies. Though they love you, your friends consistently roast your Instagram with your unapologetic #FitFam #ImBetterThanYou #MyBodyIsATemple hashtags.

4.) SED as Mrs. Puff: 
You don’t get enough credit for your major and still only blow up occasionally. You totally passed your driver’s test on the first try (nice!) and are hooking up with someone well within your league. You’re a role model, excluding any and all prior arrests.

3.) COM as Plankton:
You continuously crank out new content but are never satisfied with the end result. Life is a Chum Bucket, and you’re stuck being chucked further and further from your dreams. Isn’t that just the way it goes?

2.) CGS as SpongeBob SquarePants:
Look at you, your school is the title character! You take a lot of crap for the whole Glue and Scissors thing, but you start each day with an “I’m ready!” attitude. Call it blind optimism or pure naiveté, but at least you’re not in the same boat as the Squidwards yelling “Philosophy can be used in a ton of different fields, mom!” in the middle of the street.

1.) Engineering as Karen:
This one was obvious. Not because she’s a computer, but because of her “Are-You-Kidding-Plankton-I-Swear-to-God” attitude whenever he does something dumb. You may come off as robotic and cold, but you’re smart enough to outlast the rest of us.

Unfortunately, you can’t turn back time and relive those childhood Saturday mornings. What you can do is stream some SpongeBob after an Allston Crawl and judge your classmates. Same fuzzy feeling, right?