Sirens wailed and flickering lights danced on the trifecta of buildings that encompassses West Campus residences. After Kilachand Hall was evacuated for unknown reasons earlier this week, it was reasonable to presume that the cause of the most recent incident to be dramatic. When asked if there had been a fire or if anyone died, BUPD officer Mark Jones replied that the situation was “actually, much worse.” Before The Black Sheep could ask for clarification, the evidence presented itself.
Decked in hazmat suits and thick gloves, a pack of hazard-handling men carried the source of commotion out of Claflin Hall: a Keurig 2.0 coffee maker. Gasps, screams, and a hopefully-unrelated “Dicks out for Harambe” radiated from the students and faculty gathered around the building from which the destructive weapon was pulled.
Behind the hazmat men followed the alleged domestic terrorist, CAS sophomore Jimmy Bowers, flanked by two police officers. His outfit of plaid pajama pants, navy blue slippers, and a Yeezy “I Feel Like Pablo” shirt said it all: he was The Most Dangerous Person at BU.
Although several previous roommates of Bowers claimed that he “totally had it hidden under his desk last year in Warren,” it is unclear how the dangerous threat remained undetected until the second week of Jimmy’s third semester at BU. When pressed for comment, Bowers simply claimed “I would have gotten away with it, too, it it weren’t for you meddling kids.” We believe that this is in reference to a youthful-appearing RA who discovered the instant coffee maker earlier this week.
While coffee isn’t outlawed at Boston University because it’s a Spooky Mormon Hell Dream like Brigham Young University, it is banned for a more for a much more sensible reason. In 1973, a senior named Miles Boozler told the entire whole entering freshman class that the university is way overpriced, grade deflation is real, and that in the summer the Charles River Esplanade smells like a piece of gum that has been chewed for 40 years.
The university expelled the student and attributed his outbursts on the fact that he drank coffee every morning. Since then, to ensure that nobody else suffers Boozler’s fate, coffee makers of all shapes and sizes have been banned in dorms. The coffee received at a campus Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts is actually made from the ashes of Eugene O’Neill, the writer who died on the fourth floor of Kilachand Hall back when it was a hotel in the fifties, and shots of “espresso” are brewed with water from the Muddy River to increase potency.
The Black Sheep asked some members of the BU community for their input on the coffee dilemma, with varied responses.
“Drinking coffee is a sin. Any liquid above room temperature will scald the little Jesus ghostie that lives inside you,” COM student Mary Norris explains.
“Some colleges allow students to carry guns on campus. But, yeah, I see why we can’t have coffee makers,” Questrom TA Colby Parks told us unsarcastically.
We reached out to Eugene O’Neill’s ghost for comment but have not heard a response at the time of publishing.
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