You stumble into your class with sunglasses on wearing the wrinkly BU orientation shirt you’ve for some reason held onto despite the Freshman 15 hitting HARD after one too many mozzarella stick pizzas. Making your way to your seat, you text your friend (who coincidentally was the one to pour four shots of Fireball down your throat last night) that you’re still very drunk thinking to yourself “Omg, I’m so college.”
Then it happens. The professor calls you up for a presentation that you 100% totally forgot you had. Here’s how to give a presentation while still drunk from the night before.
Step 1 — Channel your inner CFA kid:
Don’t know what you’re supposed to present? Act like you do. It’s called improv, kids. Give the class the performance of a lifetime. Speak clearly and incredibly loudly, because you’re trying to distract them from the trainwreck that they’re going to text their friends about regardless. Enunciate everything at full volume. It’s better for people to think you’re weird than drunk.
Step 2 — Maintain eye contact:
If it’s too hard to switch casually from person to person like a normal human being would, then just pick one kid. Stare at him intensely the whole time. Stare at him like the security guard at Warren stared at you after you failed to swipe in three times and it was your last chance to convince him you weren’t going to die that night. Try not to blink and open your eyes as wide as possible. It’ll work.
Step 3 — If you need to ground yourself, then lean against the chalkboard:
You’re paying ~70k a year for a professor to click through a PowerPoint that took them half of the lecture to set up. Feel free to utilize that chalkboard that hasn’t been touched in a decade. BU aims to create “resourceful students.” It’s in their mission statement—you can look it up. Here’s a great example of when you should use your resources.
Step 4 — Crack a few jokes:
Try to go after religion or politics. Those are unifying topics that people don’t like to argue over and will keep you from having to answer any more questions than necessary. The beauty in this one is twofold. Your wiseass comments will get your classmates riled up, making them 1. angry with each other and 2. forget that you smell like a 1960s bar cart. This situation leaves you able to slowly sink to the floor as the hangover takes over and the spins set in.
Step 5 — After you finish, there’s going to be a long silence:
Take this time to approach your professor and shake their hand. Do that weird two-handed handshake and hold their gaze for far longer than necessary while telling them that you were okay with the 3.7% raise in tuition as long as it meant you got to take their class. They’re going to be pretty impressed with you at this point, so go ahead and ask for that letter of recommendation. If you’re feeling extra ballsy, then you can probably get your stuff and walk out at this point.
In all honesty, you probably shouldn’t have gone out the night before, but where’s the fun in that? The damage is done and you’ve provided everyone in the room with a good drunk student story. Props to you, now you can pull trig in the bathroom down the hall and accept that C+.
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