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Marathon Monday at Boston University: By the Numbers

Rain, snow or shine, the 2018 Boston Marathon at Boston University is here. Preparations are well under way for another day of drinking, dancing, screaming, and general hormone-fueled chaos on college campuses across the state of Massachusetts. BU is no exception. Students have demonstrated their love for Marathon Monday for as long as history can remember. They show their spirit for the heroic and persevering athletes running the 26.2 miles by engaging in grueling marathons of their own—marathons ranging from downing 26.2 shots (not really) to taking 26.2 bong hits (eh maybe?).

In light of this admirable collegiate dedication to a long-running Boston tradition, we’ve developed a “By the Numbers” list a la Sports Illustrated. It quantifies just how committed us Terriers are to honoring the advent of the Boston Marathon. Empirical evidence, y’all! #FrancisBacon

There may be some Olympic-level runners in that there marathon. But the real athletes are the naked sprinters leading hapless BUPD officers on a merry chase through the city streets.

Enthusiastic fans of the race have nothing on the smooth, silky crooning of Scott Stapp set to chants of “CHUG CHUG CHUG” outside Beta Beta Pi.

We really, really, really, really don’t envy BU’s janitors on Tuesday morning.

Party stores’ stocks rise between 20 and 30 percent in the days prior to Marathon Monday. Take notes, Questrom students!

At this point, the Night’s Watch is made up pretty much entirely of BU bastards who know nothing.

Sure, the Boston Marathon is great. But what would be really amazing would be a race between Kirui, Usain Bolt, and a frat pledge beer runner.

The situation has come to the point where people started pranking BU sororities by spreading rumors that Ryan Gosling was training for this year’s race.

Ever wondered how the BUPD chief was able to take his wife to Hawaii for their honeymoon? Now you know.

Experts have hypothesized that freshmen gain around 95 percent of the Freshman 15 over the course of Marathon Monday.

Please note that this statistic doesn’t apply to the area outside Questrom, since the visibility there is always 1-2 feet.

Karl Pearson once said “statistics is the grammar of science.” In accordance with that statement, we hope that we’ve provided you with quantifiable grammar to accompany the science of Marathon Monday. Now get out there and f **k around, ye wild Terriers!

 

Know anyone at one of these schools? Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!

DM our twitter and we’ll take it from there!
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