Lakeview Frat Celebrates Fatality-Free Weekend
After an intense rager held at some fraternity brothers’ apartment in Lakeview this past weekend, one would surely expect at least one or two casual fatalities. However, exactly zero deaths resulted from the party, breaking what non-Greek life individuals believe to be a lengthy record. Sigma Sigma Sigma pulled off an entertaining and unusually-harmless get-together, and now they’re celebrating such a feat.
“I was blitzed by like 7:00 p.m. dude,” explained Ben Verson, the fraternity’s internal vice president. “But there was no doubt in my mind that no brother of mine was gonna die that night!” Verson continued to say that although he has no recollection of the party’s events whatsoever, he knew he had the greatest night of his life. At least, that’s what his fellow SSS members told him
“We did have a few concerns,” voiced risk management chair, Josh Waveland. “As risk manager of all SSS events, it’s my responsibility to act accordingly when things go awry.” Waveland explained that a large portion of his job is to run for food when a fellow brother is functioning solely on the alcohol in his stomach. A trip to DePaul University’s local watering hole, Allende, normally does the job.
“I pick up a couple burritos and few tacos and just kinda shove them down the drunk pledg- I mean, brother’s throat until he just sorta accepts that he’s eating it. One time it backfired though, and Will Washington choked on some nachos and died. That was the only death though, so it was a pretty slow night. Just the cost of patyin’ yano?”
Sigma Sigma Sigma tries to keep a fairly steady death-to-unplanned-pregnancy rate in order to balance out the fatalities. A brother’s unfortunate demise can be redeemed by another frat member’s fertilization of one of a sorority sister’s many eggs. “The population rate stays the same, so, like, no harm no foul, right?” Verson asked, still visibly intoxicated.
“Ultimately, we’re brothers for life AND death,” emphasized Waveland. “We try to avoid it, but not all risks can be managed. For fun’s sake, we gotta let loose sometimes! And what’s a party without a little danger? Next week we’re playing drunk Russian roulette! Wanna come? Girls are free, $20 for guys.”
At time of press, both Verson and Waveland were profusely vomiting all over the Xbox they bought to send to the children of low-income families for Christmas but never did. Such a shame. The bright side, however, shines through the death rate of this passing party. An achievement so tremendous, even the frat brothers of, say, Beta Theta Pi at Penn State University couldn’t even imagine it! Only time will tell if these numbers continue to dwindle.
Until then, who’s down for a round of drunk Russian roulette?! Woo!!!
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