Two incoming UMN Freshman were expelled last week after a fight broke out during orientation. The quarrel was a result of regional differences regarding whether one says “Duck, Duck, Grey Duck,” or “Duck, Duck, Goose.”
According to the official police report, the event occurred on the second story of Coffman as orientation leader Mary Billingham attempted to pass the time before dragging her students to the next pseudo-helpful event full of fake excitement and false hopes.
The soon-to-be-UMN students were engaged in a game of “Duck, Duck, Grey Duck/Goose” when Jordan Bellhorn or New Brighton, Minnesota began yelling at Piper Feebling of Hoboken, New Jersey. Feebling had just tapped Bellhorn on the head and yelled “Goose” before running around the circle away from Bellhorn, all according to the rules of the game.
Enraged, Bellhorn stood-up, threw her arms in the air, and yelled, “Listen you dim-witted half-breed; it’s ‘Duck, Duck Grey, Duck!’ Goose is a totally different species. Anyone who isn’t Minnesotan is as wrong as thinking about Mitt Romney in a crop top and cut-offs.”
Bellhorn then removed her right Sperry and began waving it in the air as Feebling took off in the other direction. After a few laps around the room, Feebling stopped with her back to the window, removed the belt from her high-rise shorts, and screamed “COME AT ME, YOU INCOMPETENT MINNESOTAN COW FARMER. ALSO, IT’S ‘HOT DISH,’ NOT ‘CASSEROLE.’ ”
These words of aggression sent Bellhorn into an uncontrollable frenzy as she grabbed onto Feeblings waist, causing them both to fall backwards as they crashed through the window and landed onto the first landing of Coffman. Neither student was injured.
“At UMN we have never before had regional disputes of this caliber,” stated William Nills, President of Orientation and Welcome Week Happenings, shortly after the event. “I’ve heard of students teasing Minnesotans for saying ‘tehg’ (instead of tahg/tag), Wisconsinites for saying ‘bubbler,’ and Iowans for… everything about their state, but none of these events have ever turned violent.”
The UMN Orientation staff and administration has promised to develop new course material to cover during orientation in order to avoid future quarrels and catastrophes. “As an orientation leader, it is my job to ensure that the students have ungodly amounts of fun and stop feeling badly about having to go to their safety school for financial reasons,” said orientation leader Billingham.
We asked her why she was so inept to stop the fight. “Breaking up fights was never covered in training. I could tell you the personality type of the students according to ‘Strengths Finder,’ but I couldn’t even begin to restrain one student from hitting another student with their shoe and yelling ‘It’s grey duck, you uncultured goose fornicator!’ ”
This violence comes at the heels of reports about a Pixy Stix trafficking ring between orientation leaders, which help them maintain their overly positive and energetic facade. No charges have been placed against orientation leaders for their sugary crimes… yet.