As a member of THE most oppressed race on this planet, I know that many of you know very little about what a horrible life it is to be ginger. Therefore I am taking your questions and answering them with that classic ginger-honesty you’ve all heard of.
Do you pee fire?
Yes, but that has nothing to do with my hair color.
Are you afraid of the sun?
From ages 0-13 I had to wear a t-shirt in the pool. Would you be afraid of something that gave you blisters if you were exposed to it for longer than 4 hours? Yeah that’s what I thought.
Was that ginger South Park your favorite moment in television history?
Absolutely not. That show educated my entire school on how to hate me and my ginger brethren. Before that everyone was fine hating Mexicans and handicaps, then all of a sudden their attention turned towards me.
Do you have a soul? Where do you keep the souls you steal?
No. It might mean I can’t feel love, but in that case I can’t feel hate. Actually I hate all the time, all I feel is hate. When I steal souls I eat them and shit them out. I don’t get any satisfaction out of doing it – I just do it.
Will I burst into flames if I look directly into your eyes?
Sometimes I begin to feel kind of hot when I look at myself in the mirror. So maybe. I know people say my eyes are red, which probably means if you look into my eyes you look into the fiery abyss that stands in for my soul. You might burst into flames, but it probably depends on how good of a person you are.
Do the carpets match the drapes?
Wow, thanks for bringing back a whirlwind of playground abuse. Yes, is it really that hard to do the fucking math? Does it make sense that one part of my body has different colored hair than the rest?
Does your mom ever remind you of how disappointed she is in you for being the way you are?
My mom is also a ginger. I think she is more disappointed in herself for bringing another one of us into the world. For a couple years she tried to beat the redhead out of me, but gave up soon enough and locked me in the basement.
Has a barber ever refused you service?
If I don’t cut my own hair and stuff it into people’s pillows, I’ll go to any old hair salon. My hair always intrigues the poor ex-hot girls cutting my hair. They love hair, and it’s all they want to talk about. They compare cutting my hair to shearing a sheep, and ask all of these questions. And then we have sex.
Are you going to get a vasectomy because you don’t want to risk bringing another ginger into this world?
First, let me get back to my point– if you asked ANY of these questions to another race you would be crucified. Second, yes. Did you know it’s rumored that redheads are more sensitive to temperature and pain, while being slightly immune to anesthesia? I don’t want to put anyone through this life.
If the rumor that black people — being darker — means they have huge wangs, what does that say about someone who has lighter skin pigment than most?
It says exactly what you think. I have a tiny wang, it’s like a scared turtle that only comes out twice a day for food. Food = masturbation in this metaphor.
Is Carrot Top your spiritual leader?
How dare you? Do you think Lewis Hallam, Jr. was a spiritual leader for black people? Carrot Top, Wendy (of Wendy’s), Kathy Griffin – just to name a few – are all icons glorifying red-headed stereotypes and should be banned! One day us gingers will unite, and you’ll all feel the brunt of our fiery tempers and sexual appetites!