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Booze Review: Jammit Jam

The brunch craze–invented by Millennials in order to get more alcohol into their system in a few hours than most people do all week–is catching on faster than you can ask them to take your eggs back because they weren’t cooked correctly the first time. One company had the brilliant idea to incorporate booze into your favorite brunch ideas. No, it’s not vodka-soaked avocados. It’s boozy jam to slather all over your side of free toast in between chugs of pomegranate mimosas. You’re already drunk in the middle of the day, it truly can’t get lower than this. After a lick or eight, here’s our Jammit Jam review:

Grade: A-

Smells Like:
Hair care products that promise to smell like fruit.

Tastes Like:
Breakfast when you were a child, if your mother was a wine mom.

Typical Drinkers:
– Brunch goers who use words like “compote” and “aioli.”

– Your grandma, who didn’t realize this had booze in it. Poor Dolores.

– Gay men (the original brunchers).

– A super-cool elementary school kid who thought this was the jelly they needed for the PB&J.

– Brittany, Samantha, and Carly; just a ladies thing.

Intoxication Level:
The rest of your Sunday has pretty much gone to shit.

User Comments:
– “Excuse me, can we please get more artisanal toast and mashed avocado?”

– “It’s not alcoholism if I paid $30 for it.”

– “Get off my back, Alex. It has fruit in it.”

– “It’s too bright outside for me to be this messed up.”

Best Described As A Drink Superior To:
The three bottles of cheap champagne you inevitably drank in your mimosas.

Is This The IHOP?:
No, this is Patrick.

Does This Come Bottomless?
No, but it’s so good you’ll wish it did.

Don’t Forget To:
Tip your waitress. She had to clean your thrown-up eggs and bacon in the women’s bathroom at 11:30 a.m.

We Mixed It With:
Toast and an extra strength Tylenol nap.

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