After a blurry Snapchat story featuring every member of SUA crying and stress-eating bagel bites sent confusion throughout campus, SUA has confirmed that Big Sean will not be performing at Homecoming. In a hurried attempt to find a replacement, SUA has added Iggy Azalea back to the lineup because she was free after cancelling her entire tour this summer. However, Azalea will be performing a slightly different show than last year, as she plans to cover all of Big Sean’s songs in order to deliver on the expectation of those who dished-out money for tickets.
“It may seem like we are recycling our old and moldy ideas because we have no other options,” stated a representative of SUA, “but that is because that is exactly what we are doing.” The representative barely finished her sentence before breaking down in violent sobs.
The switch came as a horrific shock to many students. “I nearly started crying when I found out the tickets I had spent my weed money on were now good for a show featuring a culturally appropriating white woman who raps like a baby eating creamed corn!” stated Janet James, a Senior in CBS. “I thought Big Sean would begin a trend of good artists coming to Homecoming and Spring Jam, but I was very, very wrong.”
However, not everyone on campus was unhappy with this last-minute singer switch. “Azalea was bumped from Pittsburgh Pride for being against the homosexual sinners. I’m all for her coming back to the U!” stated Wayne Waymond, a street preacher who was found pacing back and forth Nicollet Mall and telling anyone he sees that they’re going to hell.
According to a statement by his press, Big Sean sends his best regards to the U and to SUA, but is looking forward to a bright new future now that he is no longer dating a 14 year-old with an incredible singing range. Due to a newly found passion for spoken word poetry, Big Sean decided to pull out of the UMN homecoming lineup to spend more time re-inventing his image as a serious poet. “I bought a beret and I am starting to grow my hair out. Rap and poetry are kinda the same thing, but now I’m gonna get to hear the sound of contemplative snaps every night instead of getting beer cans thrown at me. It’s gonna be dooooooope!” stated Big Sean about his decision.
Earlier this week, Iggy Azalea was seen practicing her set list in a hidden bathroom in the basement of Wilson Library. The set list begins with “One Man Can Change the World”, which Iggy has said is “dedicated to Big Sean for changing the world and giving her the opening to take advantage of the U of M and infiltrate their Homecoming concert once again.” The set also ends with “I Don’t Fuck With You,” which is reportedly “Dedicated to Azealia Banks, Britney Spears, Papa Johns, and any of the other ass-holes who criticize art when it comes from a beautiful, hardworking Aussie.”
Iggy Azalea was asked for a comment, but we were unable to understand her response.