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Coffee Review: UMD’s Footnotes Cafe

 

The small coffee shop in McKeldin, Footnotes, is a huge convenience on campus for all of us sleep-deprived, hung-over college students. As a great as it is, though, we all known that it’s not nearly as great as the real Starbucks, and that they don’t even have everything on the Starbucks menu. They say they serve Starbucks coffee, we say that we have money in our bank accounts, the squirrels don’t pay tuition…it’s just a cruel and deceiving world.  The Black Sheep has decided to try one of the most basic choices, plain ole’ black coffee, just to determine how utterly detached it is from the brands it so smugly wears.

 

wiaw_starbucks

 

Looks Like:
A sad and lonely puddle of desperation with its last hiss of life. Be careful though, this drink is very angry at its depressing life and will bite you if you try to touch it. Do not attempt to talk to it in a baby voice as a soothing attempt. It won’t work and your tongue will still be burnt three days later.

 

Tastes Like:
Just… bad. Like burnt toast minus the toast. If you take the black crummy remnants from the bottom of your toaster and eat them then this would be an accurate equivalent. For future reference, it would just be best to stick to the coffee from your Keurig. Use your Terp bucks on something more useful. Like Halloween Oreos; anything that makes you happy.

 

Typical Drinkers:

– Nocturnal creatures

– Early birds who know that there is such a thing as waking up at 5 a.m.

– Promoters of health, haters of sugar

– Badasses who are able to say: “No, I take it black.”

 

User Comments:

– “Whoa, I feel like I just took Adderall.”

– “Bleck! Needs sugar.” *downs 13 packets of Splenda*

– “Did I just drink someone’s microwaved shit?”

– *spits out drink on fellow member of The Black Sheep* “NEVER AGAIN!”

 

You’ll Like This If:
You enjoy stealing candy from little kids and/or bully the squirrels.

 

Best Described As:
The drink of soul suckers.

 

Best Paired With:
Anything burnt (don’t forget those crumbs in your toaster)—haven’t you heard that it’s super healthy when all your foods are the same color? Yep, black is the best. Maybe add some black licorice in there too along with a sprinkle of dirty socks and loss of inspiration.

 

Conclusion:
Be a smart consumer and go for the hot chocolate.

 

Footnotes is great, but it would definitely be better as a full-running Starbucks. Where is the Starbucks Coffee Shop Makeover team when we need them? That would be such a bigger hit than Extreme Home Makeover… But if you’re pulling an all-nighter in McKeldin and need something to boost your senses, just be smart. Go with the safe choices that you know they can’t go wrong with. If you do this you just might make it through the night without gagging or developing diabetes from pouring all the sugar in that your drink is lacking.

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