GVSU has adopted a new method of paying for parking. Download the new phone app and pay for parking. Download it. Do it now. Now you’re part of it.
Keep paying for parking. The parking meters are no longer just apparatuses to measure space ownership. Find the parking meter that speaks to you. Put your ear up to the meter and listen. Listen harder. It is your friend. Feed it. Bring it your quarters. Insert them one by one, lovingly. Then your dimes. Then your nickels. Continue in decreasing value.
Knit a scarf for your new parking meter friend to keep them warm in the harsh winter. Bring your favorite children’s stories and read them to the meter. Increase in reading difficulty level with each passing year to give your meter an education. Teach the meter about life, death, love, and heartbreak. Have a whirlwind love affair with the meter. Leave your spouse and children for the meter and betroth yourself to it through a nondenominational ceremony.
Use the phone app to find other people who are paying for parking at your meter. Attack them. They are trying to poison your meter. Bring a gas-powered circular saw and cut down the other meters. Feed your meter with the change from your enemies’ meters. Dance around your meter in celebration of your kill, bathing in bloodlust for small change. Convert others to follow your parking meter into a new world order. Know that you have successfully assimilated into the new parking meter payment method. Never stop paying for parking.