You’re at a crossroads, a huge predicament, even a potentially life-changing decision: which dining hall are you eating at tonight? Which buffet serving mysterious meat, almost-ripe fruit, and sometimes genuinely delicious dessert will you grace with your presence?
Sometimes, it’s really hard to describe and compare dining halls. Everyone’s opinions vary and everyone has their own personal favorite they feel obligated to defend tirelessly (“Stop hating on Markley! I get it, their milk is expired, but you know that the Make Your Own Pizza station is a delicious creative outlet!”). The words “good,” “bad,” and “edible” sometimes cannot truly encompass the essence of a dining hall. Perhaps a more nuanced approach is necessary.
And thus, in a way, dining halls are like actors. Everyone knows about them, everyone has their varying opinions about them, and everyone respects the service they provide the world. By comparing the two we are able to more fully understand and appreciate what they stand for.
So don’t fret about your choice of dining tonight. We at The Black Sheep have compiled a comprehensive list detailing each dining hall and their corresponding celebrity representative.
The dining hall that is a staple in many a freshman’s life is readily available and generally subpar. An identical description could be given to the king of slapstick comedy, Adam Sandler. You’re never really dying to eat at Markley, just like you’re never dying to watch a Sandler film. But his movies are seemingly always available, and you’re tired of scrolling, so you’ll settle for watching Grown Ups. You’ve heard it’s actually not that terrible. Similarly, as a freshman living in Markley, you know you’re going to end up eating there, because braving the snow and walking to MoJo just seems too strenuous an endeavor.
The newest dining hall on campus is currently Michigan’s pride and joy. It almost seems like no one has a bad word to say about it. This is oddly reminiscent of Jennifer Lawrence. Everyone loves her work, and is surprised by her wide range. But how long can this really last? It’s hard to stay relevant when you get old, whether you’re a campus dining hall or a working actress.
Like North Quad, Paul Rudd can be described as generally good at what he does, nice to look at, but overall lacking in variety. He always plays the likeable, somewhat awkward guy who gets the girl in the end. Similarly, North Quad never really offers much more than the same fancy pizza and pasta it has everyday. You’re not sure why you expected more from them. However, even though you never leave completely satisfied, you keep coming back for more.
A couple years ago, East Quad was the best thing on campus, and everyone was obsessed with it. Similarly, Megan Fox was the biggest name in the world in 2009, but is pretty irrelevant nowadays. She, and most other actresses today, are completely eclipsed by South Quad (J-Law).
Bursley is sort of like an obscure Markley. It has the same very freshman feel, but is all the way out in bumfuck North Campus. Correspondingly, Kevin James, the star of gems such Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is like an obscure Adam Sandler. Most have never actually had the displeasure of watching his films, but can accurately guess exactly what is going to transpire. Likewise, most non-North Campus students have never been to Bursley, but know that its meat will be just as mysterious as they are expecting.
Similar to Oxford’s dining hall, Twigs, Michael Cera seems a bit odd and is occasionally forgotten. He’s not a conventional leading man, and Twigs, like Oxford in general, is unconventional as well. However, they both have their loyal fans who will tell you that their quirkiness is in fact endearing.
Mosher-Jordan is the Oscar winner of dining halls. So who else would be an equivalent representative than actual Oscar-winner, Meryl Streep? She may have the odd critic, but for the most part she can do no wrong. She always brings out the big guns in her movies, just like MoJo always brings out its famous cookies.
We hope you enjoyed this admittedly pointless activity, and can now look at dining halls with clearer eyes. Remember: don’t subject yourself to Adam Sandler when you know Meryl Streep is right across the street.