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Looking Smart at UMD Even Though You’re Actually an Idiot


“‘I didn’t start studying until last week. And by that I mean I opened the book and skimmed the first chapter. I didn’t read any of it until fifteen hours ago. I’m an idiot. The test is in twenty minutes. I’ll have to wing this thing. How the **** did I get into college in the first place? Is it too late to drop out? Am I the only one who procrastinated this bad? HOW IS EVERYONE SMARTER THAN ME?”





Don’t worry, they’re not. They’re just better at hiding the dumb. Have no fear–with a little practice, you can pass yourself off as a responsible person, too!


Here are five tried and true methods of making yourself look smarter. (Don’t worry, none of them require actual studying or work, we’re all about style over substance.)


5.) Accessorizing:




Wanna know the real reason people use pen and paper instead of laptops? It’s simple–notebooks and pencils make you appear smarter. The more primitive your methods, the more studious you look. Nothing says “I’m diligent” like cluttering your desk with paper, pencils, highlighters, erasers, Sharpies, and other writing utensils. Make the maximum fuss possible when taking out and putting away these items. The pen really is mightier than the sword–draw it from your backpack like you’re going to war with the image of laziness.


4.) Leaving Offerings for Testudo:


cc test


You care about your grades. So much, in fact, that you’re willing to lay food before Testudo. Or your roommate’s food. Or your roommate’s bra. Or other random objects pilfered from campus. Basically, the size and grandeur of the offering makes you look zealously devoted to getting good grades. Only someone who really cares about their GPA would bribe the local deity, right?


3.) Showing up to Class Early:




Let’s face it–on a campus this Brobdingnagian, showing up on time is a huge accomplishment. Bonus points if you park yourself outside the classroom ten minutes early, get out your laptop, and pretend to do something important before the professor arrives. Nothing says “good student” like pretending to prioritize class over those extra five minutes of sleep. Plus, you’ll get the first pick of seats! Which leads us to . . .


2.) Sitting at the Front of the Classroom:





Good students sit up front, slackers in the back. Funny how popular this stereotype is, given the amount of time front-seaters spend on Facebook. Still, why not use this lie to your advantage? There’s a direct correlation between front-of-classroom proximity and how smart you look. Even if you literally have no idea what the professor is saying. Be sure to nod periodically and scribble things onto your papers occasionally. (The professor won’t notice if your “note” are just random doodles of his amazingly poofy beard.)


1.) Hanging Out on the Second Floor of McKeldin:




Why does the second floor have a reputation for being a study zone? Simple–everyone there is bent over a laptop and typing furiously. Nothing says “I’m doing vital, difficult work” like sitting at a study table and going at it 90 wpm. That’s the great secret to looking busy–typing really, really fast. Get yourself to the second floor, whip out the laptop, maintain five Facebook conversations simultaneously, and you’ll blend in with the studious kids like a magnificent chameleon.


Actually intelligence is too difficult to attain. Faking it, on the other hand, is quite simple! Now go and get ‘em, champs–or, rather, pretend to go and get ‘em! (See? You’re getting the hang of this lying thing.)

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