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Making Friends to Avoid Eating Alone: The Guide

There will come a moment during your time at UMN when your roommate/forced friend is gone, and your Chipotle fund is empty, forcing you to venture down to the dining hall alone. Fear not, you friendless failure, this guide to making friends will prevent yet another lonely and traumatizing eating experience.


Post an Ad in your Class Facebook Page:

Write a detailed bio about yourself. Be sure to include your blood type and at least one of your most embarrassing stories from childhood. Once you’re done, post that sucker on your UMN class Facebook page. Soon messages from future friends will begin to flood your inbox. Remember: even a comment like “get the hell off this page you friendless loser wing-nut” could be a perfect springboard for a life-long friendship!


Make an Announcement:

Go to the dining hall, get your food, and find an empty table that would be perfect for you and your soon-to-be friends. Proceed to stand on the table and shout “BE GONE FROM YOUR CHAIR AND JOIN THIS TABLE, WEAKLING! THE POWER OF GOLDY COMPELS YOU!”. Loudly repeat this phrase at least sixteen times. Sometimes it helps to grab some chicken legs and bang them on the table like drumsticks or on your chest like Tarzan. No one could resist getting to know a creature like that.


Befriend a UDS Worker:

Standing in a hot kitchen slinging greasy food or scrubbing dried gum off dishes could make anyone  desperate for more normalized human contact. Always smelling slightly of cooked corn, UDS workers are the Donkey to the world’s Shrek. Ask a UDS worker about their day, and pretty soon you might get to hear all about their family and that weird mole on the bottom of their left big toe. You may have your ear talked off, but at least you won’t have to sit alone with your thoughts while you scarf down wilted lettuce.


Give-out your Guest Meal Passes as Bribes:

Borrowing a trick out of the handbook for luring students to your student group, free food is sometimes the only way to get people to show up when you want them to. Lucky for you, your guest meal passes make terrific bribes. Wander down University and tell everyone you see that you have the power to provide them with food for free. Whether it is a poor college student, a penny-pinching professor, or a wild dog, there is no shortage of people (or animals) who are willing to do almost anything as long as free food is involved.   


Food is always there for you

Sometimes, the only friend that is truly #loyal is the one that has no mind of its own and tastes like garlic. Find a piece of pepperoni pizza that looks like it has a face and just chill with them. You could even make the pizza a little dress out of lettuce to truly flatter their figure. If you commit hard enough, you might even convince others that the food sitting across from you is actually a loyal compadre. Afterall, food is the most comforting (and delicious) friend a person can have.


Now go make friends, for there is nothing worse than eating alone and not having anyone there to hear your complaints about Centen’s pseudo-food.

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