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P.A.W.S. Appearances We Need at Boynton

Every Wednesday from 3-5 p.m, Boynton Health Services hosts the “Pet Away Worry and Stress” (P.A.W.S.) program. The program is designed to give students an opportunity to de-stress from the pressures of college by playing with registered therapy animals including dogs, cats, rabbits and even Woodstock, the therapy chicken. In order to enhance the experience of P.A.W.S for many students, we have compiled a list of animals, people, and things that should make an appearance at future P.A.W.S. events.


10.) Otters: One of the cutest animals in existence, these cuddly creatures hold hands when they fall asleep so that they don’t float away from one another. With an appearance at P.A.W.S., the otters will hold your hand as you drift away from your stress.


9.) A Blob Fish: Commonly thought of as the ugliest animal in existence, this hideous fish can make anyone feel better about themselves. After all, you might be unprepared for your exams, but at least you don’t look like a blob fish.


8.) Bucky the Badger: In order to release stress and pent-up anger, it can be helpful to aggressively attack punching bags. What better punching bags exist than the mascot of your rival school? There is none.


7.) Pizza: Sometimes, life becomes so overwhelming that there’s nothing to do, but eat emotionally. P.A.W.S. could reach new levels of helpfulness by providing carb and cheese-filled deliciousness to students.


6.) The Most Boring Professor: Nothing is able to calm your nerves and soothe you to sleep quite like the steady and monotonous drone of a boring professor. Once you’re asleep, all of your stress will melt away.


5.) Jillian Michaels: Esteemed as one of the most ruthless exercise trainers in America, Jillian Michaels would be able to scream at you until all you can think about is the sweat pouring from every inch of your body. Nothing says “bye-bye stress” quite like an exercise routine to give you an endorphin boost that would make even a drug addict content.


4.) Ellen DeGeneres: Ellen is one of the most energetic and positive people known to the world of Hollywood. In addition to single-handedly breaking Twitter during the 2014 Oscars, Ellen ordered pizza for the audience and frequently partakes in miniature dance parties. Ellen is stress’s worst enemy.


3.) Homework Passes: P.A.W.S. has the potential to save the lives of countless grandparents and printers. After all, there’s no need to lie about Pop-Pop kicking the bucket when you have a university-issued pass to allow you to continue procrastinating on your homework.


2.) President Kaler: Recent studies have found that giving Kaler gentle pats on the head can reduce stress by up to 60%. According to university insiders, Kaler is “one cool dude who has also has mad rap skills.”


1.) Kanye West: If you’ve ever seen Kanye West in an interview, you already know how unpredictable, ridiculous, and hilarious he can be. At P.A.W.S., Kanye West could tell you why he is more important than any homework or responsibilities that you have so you no longer have to worry or stress.


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