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Senior Graduating Early to Get Head Start on Being a Useless Ragdoll to the Corporate World

University of Delaware senior Brian Sabo is reportedly graduating a semester early in order to jump into the workforce, where he hopes to quickly establish himself as a self-proclaimed “useless ragdoll to the corporate world.”


Sabo’s early graduation date will lead him to complete his time at the University in December, as opposed to the traditional May date. This gives him approximately four extra months in the job market than other students that Sabo believes will be crucial.


“Sure, those four extra months could be spent at school with my friends, making memories and taking advantage of the fact that this is the only time in my life where the only thing that I am expected to do is learn and develop myself as a person. But I also can use those four months to begin my decades-long paid slavery in the workforce.”


The business major has reportedly developed many passions, talents, and hobbies over his lifetime, including art, photography, and an affinity for motorcycles. Sabo’s resume lists several achievements in these fields, including the administration of a popular Instagram account for motorcycle enthusiasts with followers numbering in the hundreds of thousands. All of this Sabo is eager to abandon, as he consumes himself in the tireless monotony of a generic corporate occupation.


“What I’m really going for is the ideal standard desk job,” says Sabo, “Think The Office without any of the humor or character development. I might have a picture or two of my family in my cubicle, but beyond that there will be nothing to suggest that I am anything more than a pawn on the chessboard of capitalism.”


Sabo reportedly looks forward to deserting all sense of individuality and humanity, and evidence shows that he has already began his assent into namelessness by referring to himself by the last four digits of his social security code.


“I imagine that it will be a few months before my personality becomes completely whitewashed,” Sabo explains, “This is one of the reasons that my early graduation date comes in handy; all my peers will be excited and naïve, fresh out of the best years of their lives. Meanwhile, I will be fully bland and fully committed from nine-to-five—if I’m not working overtime.”


Sabo’s practical degree in business will probably help in landing the type of job that he is looking for. Sabo’s mother tells The Black Sheep, “We knew that Brian loved art, but pushed him to something better. We encouraged him to develop his passions while in college, but also while insisting on a business degree. I think I’ve done something special with him.”


Sabo is reportedly eager to abandon his hopes, dreams, and passions to achieve his modest place in corporate America.


“I’m excited to put what I love on hold indefinitely in order to work tirelessly and largely without appreciation in order to help someone else achieve their dreams. There’s just a sort of poetry in becoming a bottom rung on the corporate ladder.” Says Sabo.


Evidence suggests however that Sabo does have plans for a future outside of the office. Data retrieved by The Black Sheep from Sabo’s personal computer reveal several Google searches for “sensible dog breeds” and “low rent single bedroom Queens apartment.”


Sabo does have the remainder of fall semester to live out his senior year. He tells The Black Sheep of his plans, “I don’t actually turn 21 until November, so I won’t really be going to the bars with my friends at all except for like a month. But I have applications to be filling out anyway.”


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