Testudo gets more action than I do. At least there are people willing to rub him and offer condoms or underwear…
If that thought’s ever crossed your mind, you might be experiencing a dry spell. Don’t worry, this is perfectly normal! Sex is great. But much like healthy diner food, easy math classes, or football games that we actually win, it’s all too difficult to find on this campus.
The Black Sheep can’t promise to get you laid, but we do offer one glimmer of hope–the ability to pretend you’re getting it, and getting it good.
Step One: Picking A Pretend Sex Partner
Pretending to have sex is a very intimate experience, and you should choose your partner (or partners) wisely. While attractiveness is important, keep in mind a far more vital factor–their ability to lie. Pretending to have sex with a friend or co-worker could potentially create an awkward situation, so consider heading to a bar like Looney’s and picking a suitable mate. Better yet, stop by The Clarice and find a theater major.
Step Two: Props for Protection
Wait, you might ask. Why do I need condoms? You can’t get pregnant from pretending to have sex–Oh, God, can you? If that’s the case, I probably have fifty illegitimate children by now!
The devil is in the details. You want people to think you’re having awesome and frequent sex, not catching a lot of STDs.
Or if you’ve got the Terp Bucks for it, go to the Union or Commons shop, buy about five packs of Trojans, and wink at whoever’s manning the register. Heck, if you really want to be thorough about it, “accidentally” drop your purchase on the way back to your dorm. This will give you an excuse to slowly and laboriously pick it up.
If you really want to go all out, open the condoms and toss the wrappers into the trash once you’re done. Nothing says I’m a dirty girl like a trash can full of fake evidence. But don’t forget to recycle the cardboard boxes—The Black Sheep is okay with lying, not littering.
Step Three: Set the Mood
Anyone can lie and say “I’m having sex.” But to make your fake night really special, pull out all the stops. Sexile your roommate (or if you suspect they also need a fake lay, bring them in on the gig. The more the merrier.) Put a sock or a tie on the doorknob. (Or if you don’t feel like being subtle, write a notice on the whiteboard.) Push your bed up against the wall, so your neighbors won’t be able to ignore you.
Step Four: The Importance of Sound Effects
You saw Emma Stone do it in Easy A. You may not be a professional actress, but you do have one thing going for you–ridiculously thin dorm walls.
Do everything– and we mean everything– loudly. Go nuts. Have fun. Jump on the bed. Bang the wall. Scream. Recite lines from your favorite pornos. Invoke God’s name, or, better yet, Testudo’s. And feel free to improvise! If you followed Step One correctly, you’ll be able to trust your partner to play along.
We understand that you may have some lingering doubts. Isn’t lying wrong? Shouldn’t pretending to have sex be a little more special and a little less cheap? Will I feel different the morning after? If lying is a sin but staying a virgin is virtuous, then do I break even in the eyes of the church? Well, The Black Sheep doesn’t judge. How often and with whom you pretend to have sex is a personal choice and we trust that you will all make responsible decisions. Just remember to have fun, always ask for consent, and for Testudo’s sake buy your pretend sex partner some pancakes the next morning.