The C4C looms on the edge of campus, full of mismatched aromas and questionable dishes displayed in gleaming silver bins. Every item is hot off the press and looks absolutely disgusting. Here The Black Sheep will illuminate some of the most…interesting substances the C4C has to offer. Caution: DO NOT READ if you have a meal plan. You will never use it again.
5.) Lumps of Charcoal Looking “Protein”:
In all the glorious history of the C4C, nothing has ever been cooked properly. In order to prevent lawsuits over food poisoning, all meat is seared in the flames of Hell until it resembles a smoking lump of coal. Many die-hard meat lovers have become vegetarians in recent weeks, seeing as they’re not huge fans of eating firewood.
4.) Huge Tubs of Yellow “Egg” Yolk Liquid:
Putting eggs in a bag is just unnatural. And watching a bag of eggs get poured into a foaming pool of eggs is the stuff of nightmares. The omelets at the C4C are actually rather good, so it’s a shame they come in such an unappetizing form.
3.) Mysteriously Limp Vegetation:
Out of all this gross food, salad is a safe bet right? Wrong. Everything at the C4C is supposed to be fresh and local and delicious. So why does the produce look like it was carted from Mexico in a horse-drawn carriage? Nothing sourced in the surrounding farmlands could have possibly reached such a state of degeneration in the time it would take to reach Boulder. We have been lied to, heinously.
2.) Ice? Anyone?:
Global warming is real, and most observable in the C4C. Ice doesn’t stick around for the breakfast rush, much less lunch or dinner. We have all gotten used to the wave of disappointment that hits when the ice machine can’t seem to turn up the goods. No matter, it’s always lovely to have a nice, warm Dr. Pepper at the end of a long day.
1.) The Occasional Appetite Curbing Hair:
After careful examination, it is possible that the C4C moonlights as a pet hotel. The amount of stray hairs in the food is unimaginable, and we hope no human would shed that much. On the bright side, the freshman fifteen won’t be an issue when your appetite is constantly curbed by the presence of a long, curly hair in your macaroni.
Thankfully, the C4C has one saving grace. You suffer through a dinner of sushi made from spam for the promise of delectable soft-serve in the end. Without the dessert station, the C4C would be a ghost town. It’s not that you want to eat cookies for every meal; you just don’t really have a choice. At least your sweet tooth will be happy.