Finals, dreaded finals, are almost here and The Black Sheep has created a toolbox of tips to get you through the week alive, hopefully. Buckle up cowboys and cowgirls, and make sure you have these essentials; this isn’t some Handy Manny/Bob the Builder talking tools shit. We’re going in. You’ll need:
A Rutgers 250 cup for shots in between each chapter of reading:
Take care of yourself before, during, and after you go under the grind. If you didn’t go to the 250 Revolutionary celebration, there’s a great assortment of shot glasses at the RU Bookstore.
At least 5 RU sweatshirt-sweat pant combos planned for each reading day:
We should get paid for advertising the Rutgers University Bookstore. By now, you probably have enough Rutgers t-shirts to last you a month, but you need to layer up and t-shirts won’t cut it. While you’re at the bookstore, also check out all two drinks that the fake Starbucks makes.
A pseudo-friend to study with so you don’t get distracted by them:
Ask that guy in the Livi Quad 2 Floor 3 groupchat who asks you to go to the gym every week but you say you have a different version of diarrhea every time. You know it’s the right person if you think about sitting with him/her, and you’d rather diligently study alone than waste time watching that video of the baby that says “hi” every time he hears Adele’s “Hello”.
A butt pad for shitty Alexander Library chairs:
Unless uncomfortability and butt aches motivate you to focus, you’ll need a pad for your anus. Sit on one of those airport neck pillows people use when they fracture their tailbones. Or straight-up bring your pillow to the library. Don’t fart though, or you’ll give yourself Pink eye.
A designated toilet for all your pre-studying-anxiety shits:
Ah, the place you can relieve all that stress of thinking about studying. This is where you check your Sakai seven hundred times to check for uploaded practice exams. Odds are, your professors are uploading the documents from their PEATs (Pre-Exam Anxiety Toilets) as well. Also, maybe set up a TV here; you’re gonna be here a while.
A doctor who’s willing to prescribe you Adderall from the CVS on George St.:
If you’re at all like us and can’t sit in one place for more than twenty minutes without hallucinating or picturing yourself swinging from the hanging light you’re studying under, this is extremely necessary. Ask the ornithology major at the end of the hall who’s also a national chess champion. He DEFINITELY has a stash…might even have flavors. Adderall also camouflages well in RU care packages mixed in with trail mix and microwavable popcorn; just a thought. Shit…please keep this article to yourself and don’t tell everyone about why we get so many care packages from Dr. Goldstein.
Above all the finals chaos, just remember to stay sane. Post a complaining tweet and snap a picture on your story of you pretending to study, you know, the usual. Reward yourself at the end of the day with food from a place that DOESN’T use meal swipes. We know, we know, we’re not all Kanye, but indulge yourself. After all, working with tools all day is tiring.