It’s nearly a month into the semester and most freshmen around KU should have their fakes by now. Whether you put in a shady order through email for your entire dorm wing or are using your older sister’s no-longer-needed one, you’re now supposedly old enough to buy shitty beer and make shitty decisions.
All freshmen now have the unique opportunity to go to a bar comprised mainly of people your age. Nowhere else is that possible the way it is at the Jayhawk Cafe. Enjoy Dollar Night while you can, because once you’re actually of age, you start feeling like a goddamn grandpa at the Hawk.
Still, there are a few things you should keep in mind. So here’s your guide to Dollar Night at the Hawk.
When you’re walking from your dorm room or frat house, don’t carry a beer. Cops are always looking for dumbasses like you to ruin your week by taking your minor in possession virginity. It’s simple, don’t do it and you’ll be fine.
When you’re in line, don’t be the guy blatantly cutting, thus causing all kinds of trouble. If you’re going to cut, at least do it some sort of devious manner. There are frat bros who need to display their manhood by beating the shit out of a GDI like you.
Go with friends. Don’t try to meet some chick there. We don’t give a shit if she’s some ratchet chick you met on Tinder or a cute girl you met in your biology lab. Nothing good will come from it. And even if you get some girl’s number there, she won’t respond the next morning. She’s already forgotten about you. Hell, even if she does respond and you start going out, you met her at the Hawk, that’s not a girl you want to date. She’ll just ruin your life and murder your sexual identity.
Same goes for you, ladies. Guys are animals– all they want to do is fuck you. Don’t give them that chance. Spend your time getting shitfaced with your best friends you’ve known for three weeks and grow the friendship on how much alcohol you can consume in one night.
When you venture downstairs into the Boom Boom Room , just know you’re entering most ratchet club room in the Midwest. It’s hot, sweaty and full of people wanting to fuck. It’s actually quite fun to throw ice at people there, but you have to deal with the consequences of getting jacked in the face if you’re not good at getting away with shit like that.
When you leave, make sure you rip your bar band off. Cops will be waiting to bust you if you have it on. If they catch you with it out they’ll ask you how you got in and they’ll end up taking your fake. And that’s a best case scenario. Worst case, they write you a ticket for possession of fraudulent license. Rip off the band so you don’t have to deal with that.
Be sure before you go out you have two quarters for a $2.50 slice of Wheel pizza because we all know your drunk ass is going to need food once you leave.
Walk home with your friends and don’t draw attention to yourself. Other than that, enjoy being a naive teenager while you can.