Here at Eastern, we have limited places to get our business done because of how small our campus is and, as females, we are super particular about where we sit—or squat—to get the deed done. We at The Black Sheep got down and dirty this week and scoped out each bathroom here on campus for your lady Warriors’ best interest. It was a messy job, but somebody had to poo it.
Ass in the ASC:
As the wise Kevin Hart said, “You gon’ learn today.” With that being said, let’s get down to business, pooping is an intimate thing that you can do in the Academic Service Center. The aroma of the pumpkin spice lattes and muffins from the library cafe just down the hallway are sure to maximize your experience and mask your stank. So go ahead, check out one of those John Green books, buy that s’cute hummus and pretzel cup, and take your sweet time; you’re in heaven now.
Basement Bowel Movements:
For those who enjoy literally having the shit scared out of them, you might wanna try the Science Building’s basement. Taking the elevator down to the ground floor will surely get your adrenaline pumping, which will in turn make everything loose and ready for you to come out of you like lava. POO! Whoops, we meant BOO! For those who aren’t that into taking a walk—or poop—on the wild side, may we recommend any of the bathrooms on the first to fourth floor? They smell like pink Starbursts and are very (well) lit.
Shitting at Shafer: Ahh, Shafer…
The oldest and dirtiest of buildings. These bathrooms are for the brave and artsy of heart; we like to think that the hipster poops are created here. The heavy wooden doors that take around 45 seconds to close give a sorority/sisterhood feel to the whole ordeal. Like sharing your art? Why not share your poop? So strut in there like that #artsy chick you are and create a work of
This one is for all the girls who need their space to quit pinchin’ their buns. If you go to the fourth floor of Webb, you’ll find a one person bathroom. But beware, it’s always super quiet on that floor so you better be stealthy about your poop; every pebble has an echo. Maybe break the silence by playing some Taylor Swift seeing that she’s in her confident days. So go ahead! Be #1 as you make your #2! I don’t know about you, but I’m feelin twenty-poo.
Feces in the Fountain:
At the end of orientation, hundreds of freshmen make a wish by throwing a penny into the fountain near the Communications Building before the commencement of the new academic year. So what should you do, you ask? Shit on all their hopes and dreams, of course! Nothing is better in a woman’s eyes than seeing inferiority in the most complex and symbolic way, and physically crapping on kids’ wishes and the coins that hold them truly demonstrate that.