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The Gopher Games

In one of the darkest twists in mascot history, the University of Minnesota has announced its plans to hold “The Gopher Games” during the second week of March. The university intends to use the event to reduce the number of students who perform as Goldy the Gopher.


Historically, eight students have been hired each year to perform as Goldy in order to cover all 500 of the mascot’s appearances. However, a new study conducted by the department of sociology concluded that noticeable differences between Goldy’s various appearances has harmed Goldy’s trustworthy reputation.


In order to protect Gopher fans around the world, the university has decided to conduct The Gopher Games. The games will be organized and designed by James Juniper, President of the Gopher Council—a secretive council that deals with all matters related to Goldy, his reputation, and his legal disputes. “We are unable to fire seven of the eight Goldys due to the fear of them releasing confidential information,” stated Juniper in a press release. “In order to avoid this, we have no other option than to have all eight students fight to death to be The Only Goldy.”


To help you prepare for the games, we have listed the competitors and their strengths below:


Land Sports Goldy: The most athletic of all of the Goldys, he’s accustomed to running up and down stairs and completing push-ups when points are scored at sports games. This is the current favorite to win the Goldy Games.


Aquatic Sports Goldy: Aquatic Sports Goldy is a fast swimmer equipped with a waterproof suit with an apparatus to allow him to breathe under water. Like most swimmers, this Goldy is always hungry, which may be a weakness when food is not abundant in the arena.


Goofy Goldy: Responsible for all of the video appearances that make Goldy seem both loveable and idiotic. Goofy Goldy often makes mistakes that are so obvious it’s painful to watch. This Goldy is used to being treated like a child and is not expected to last long in the arena.


Stunt Goldy: Completes all dangerous stunts for Goldy throughout the year. This Goldy is very athletic and also stealthy. If Stunt Goldy can stay hidden, he will have a strong upper hand in defeating the other competitors with surprise attacks.


Playful Goldy: This Goldy is only responsible for events involving children and this experience has made him stronger both mentally and physically. By being able to handle devil children at their brattiest, this Goldy is expected to have the endurance to survive all of the horrors of the games.


Service Goldy: In charge of charity appearances, Service Goldy is expected to be too compassionate and empathetic to be a fierce competitor in the games. This Goldy is likely to become an audience favorite, but is very unlikely to make it longer than a few hours.


Frozen Goldy: Accustomed to the frozen temperatures during winter appearances and hockey games, Frozen Goldy can operate in extremes.


Fill-In Goldy: The bottom of the Goldy totem pole, Fill-in Goldy attends events when the other Goldys become ill or throw a diva fit and refuse to attend a particular event. This Goldy has no problem adapting to different mascot-related challenges, which should prove to be beneficial during the games.


The Gopher Games are slated to take place in Coffman Union, where additional cameras have been installed in order to allow the university to live-stream the event online to Gopher fans across the country. From March 2nd to the 6th, all eight of the current Goldys will be released into the sealed building adorned in their full mascot attire.


Many events for the games are being kept under wraps in order to challenge the competitors, but items such as chlorine, silly string, pitchforks, real badgers and the band Nickleback have all been ordered in preparation for the challenging events of the Gopher Games.

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