Did the last person to tail your car leave you wanting to kick their puppy and burn down their house? Well you’ve come to the right place. The Black Sheep is going to teach you how to replace plots of murder with more sane and legal schemes. Here are the top ten ways to seek revenge without getting sentenced to 20 to life… probably:
10.) Threaten to Make Their Life a Living Hell: Empty threats are almost legal. Hopefully something goes wrong in their life and they’ll think you’re somehow behind it. Meanwhile you’re sitting pretty in your pillow fort, watching re-runs of Friends, and hoping somewhere your nemesis is tripping on their shoelace.
9.) Email Subscriptions: There’s no greater inconvenience than sifting through hundreds of emails like Elegant Baby Monthly or Chubby Grandpa Threesomes. What’s better is they’ll perfectly camouflage that email from their professor about tomorrow’s test.
8.) Prank Calls: If you’re trying to drive your nemesis to insanity, there’s no better way than to call them repeatedly to ask if their refrigerator is running or if they have Prince Albert in a can. They’ll be running after imaginary fridges and opening random cans of beer (to save the people inside) in no time.
7.) Personalized Bumper Sticker: Something like “Honk if you like cheating on your girlfriend with a 40-year-old woman!” or “Tailgate me, I have Chlamydia!” should get the message across. Have you tried getting these things off? They’ll just have to get a new car.
6.) Hidden Eggs: Cracking and hiding eggs in, on, and around everything this person owns is a great way to take this classic prank one devious step further. Under their pillow, in the air ducts, in that little abyss between the car seats and the console; with enough creativity you can effectively turn this person’s home into basically the Easter bunny’s asshole.
5.) Poke Holes in Their Condoms: Buy them a pack of ruined rubbers and pretend bygones are bygones. Bonus points if you subtly leave hints that you’re behind the whole pregnancy thing. Whisper things like “don’t forget to name your first born after me.” Or “I hope you’re ready for an unexpected gift.”
4.) Stickers: You know, the kind of stickers that leave that pesky residue all over everything. Boy they’ll be ruing the day they crossed you as they tirelessly scrub Windex-soaked sticky bits off their phone screen, dog, and glass eye.
3.) Create a Fake Dating Profile: Put it in their name and invite dates over to their house/work. Hundreds of incredibly specific online dating websites make this the perfect tactic for carrying out revenge by allowing you to tailor their date to their own personal dislikes.
2.) Yank Out Their Headphones: It’s the next best thing to kicking them in the balls or punching their mother in the face. But this is easier, equally satisfying, and infinitely more legal. Besides, their mother might be a nice lady, and you’re not in the revenge game to harm the innocent.
1.) Write Their Number in a Bathroom: Along with a message like “Call for a good time” or “Now accepting dick pics” Is this sexual harassment? Maybe. Will they ever catch you? Doubt it.