It’s Friday afternoon and your T-shirt/Thirsty/Three-dollar Thursday hang over is in full force when, suddenly, your cell phone rings. Cursing the loud noise and frantically searching through your bed, you find it and see it’s your mom calling. She couldn’t be more excited to announce that she and your father will be there in an hour. You take a look around your room only to be reminded that it’s full of dirty clothes, empty handles, and questionable decisions. Swallow your vomit, pop an aspirin, and don’t let the panic set in. The Black Sheep has you covered with a list of 10 do’s and don’ts not only to prepare for this coming weekend but make it a good one also.
10.) DO: Clean up.
Throw away the alcohol containers and toss said laundry into a pile behind closed doors. Your parents don’t need to witness the disgusting conditions you’ve deemed livable. Cleaning up doesn’t only apply to your room, though. Get yourself together too. Take a shower and put on a fresh pair of pants that don’t have three weekend’s worth of Kilroy’s floor slop on the bottom, it’s the respectable thing to do.
9.) DON’T: Have your shacker there in the morning.
There is literally no reason, in any situation, that your parents should meet your shacker, ever. And they really don’t need to know if you spend more time in you shacker’s bed than your own. You are their innocent perfect angel and they will leave this weekend still believing that.
8.) DO: Go all out on the food.
Take advantage of any and all delicious, free, meals that your parents will buy you. Having to choke down another meal at Gresh is simply unacceptable when you parents are in town. You have approximately five meals, two days, and one very hungry stomach so plan accordingly. Start with breakfast at Scholar’s Inn, finish with dinner at Malibu and leave no restaurant behind.
7.) DON’T: Tell them how finite is really going.
It’s crucial that when your parents ask how your midterms went that you just smile sweetly and nod. Ignorance is bliss and letting them believe that you’re on track to earn a Nobel Peace Prize, discover the cure for cancer, and that no, you definitely did not get a D on the midterm, and if you did D’s are like B+’s at a top notch school like IU these days anyway.
6.) DO: Show them around campus.
Year after year IU is featured on lists of the most beautiful college campuses. Actually wake up before late afternoon this Saturday and walk around with your parents. You’ll be surprised that there are more people out there than you think! Show them the trees, the Sample Gates, introduce them to the squirrels, whatever. Just avoid naming all the statues you’ve puked behind.
5). DON’T: Let them know the extent of your alcoholism.
You may be proud of your increasing tolerance, maybe even feeling like a bit of a bad ass. But while you’ve reached a weird, new point in your life where you can openly drink in front of your parents, and with them, that does not mean it is ok to get blacked. It’s a major party foul to puke in front of the ‘rents, especially when you’re out to lunch.
4.) DO: Spend time with them.
Your parents took time out of their schedules just to be with you, because while yeah, you’re that cool, they also really love you. Don’t blow them off or get so drunk after saying goodnight that you’re too hung over to do anything the next day, even though your dad definitely did the heavy lifting on those last two Water Long Islands.
3.) DON’T: Let them know how much you skip class.
You parents aren’t dishing out cash money on tuition for you to lie in bed and binge watch Netflix. So when you’re showing them around campus, try not to off-handedly say “Ehh yeah I’ve actually never been my class in that building… I mean you guys know how addicting New Girl is amiright?”
2.) DO: Introduce them to your friends.
Your parents have probably never met your college friends. It’s always a good idea for them to get to know each other and bond over a drink or two. That way, if a night ever goes wrong or the excise arrest you on Little 5, your parents have people in Bloomington they can call to help bail you out.
1.) DON’T: Forget to thank them.
For coming this weekend, the opportunity to be at this amazing school, and all the booze they’re going to leave you with. Somewhere between all the questions, photo shoots and suffocating hugs you might have found yourself having a good time! Let them know and send them off with tears in their eyes. Bittersweet, proud, loving tears. Good job.