Yeah, sneaking in a flask and drinking throughout the ceremony is great and all, but no amount of alcohol will get you through the boredom of this day. You’ll need to really step it up and pack some of these items to keep yourself distracted from thinking about how you’re moving into your parents’ basement in a week.
10.) A Wheelbarrow Full of Beans:
The possibilities are endless when you’re wheeling around a bunch of beans. You can use it for a sneaky snack, ride in it across the stage, or just to hide other things in – no one’s going to go digging through your beans, trust us.
9.) Doll Hands:
Slide one of these babies over your finger and use it to shake the commencement speaker’s hand. Bonus points if you get the rubbery ones that feel 100% lifelike. Much more endearing than just palming them a condom like every other jabronie.
8.) Backpack Full of Ladybugs:
It’s the poor man’s box full of doves. When everyone is about to throw their caps in the air unleash your stash of ladybugs to truly commemorate the moment. Let them be free!
7.) A Drone:
Instead of studying for your finals, spend weeks learning how to perfectly navigate the air with a shitty $20 drone. You can cause interruptions all throughout the ceremony and no one will know it’s you! Get one with a camera and you can take the best selfies as you walk across the stage.
Speaking of walking across the stage, that is so 2015. When they call your name you just hop right on that hoverboard and glide across the stage like the special millennial you are.
5.) Waffle Iron:
It’s okay that you didn’t make any friends throughout your four years here because now you’ll have instant lifelong friendships when you start cookin’ up some waffles. You’ll probably want to also pack an extension cord or fifteen.
4.) A Slip n’ Slide:
The whole ceremony would go by much faster if everyone was required to run and jump from their seats across the stage. You won’t even need any other distractions because this will make the ceremony at least three hours shorter and at least six neck injuries longer.
3.) One Kitten for Every Semester You Made the Dean’s List:
Other people are walking around with fancy chords and tassels, but what do those really mean? No one takes the time to learn every dumb honor a different color or length represents, bring kittens instead and they’ll never forget how you made your mark. Difficulty level varies based on how smart you actually were (or weren’t).
No, not the drug, that girl Molly from high school who had a kid and dropped out, remember? The only graduation ceremony she’s been to was for the eighth grade, so grab a black sheet and get this girl across the stage. It’s your good deed for the year.
1.) Boys II Men:
They would’ve been easier to sneak in when they were boyz, but now that they’re full grown men it’s much harder to hide them under one large trench coat. This would be the time to double down with some wheelbarrows of beans as their cover.