So you’ve settled into your dorm and things are going pretty swell, despite the creeping feeling of being one of thousands of test rats cooped up in a cage while the higher learning institutes sucks your brain grapes… And if that creeping feeling becomes so strong you feel you need to get out, coupled with the fact that you’re probably, like, very high right now, you need an excuse to get kicked out and move into your own apartment. Let The Black Sheep help you get booted from the dorm, starting with:
10.) Hot box the shit out of your dorm room:
The smart kids have been browsing the web for the most intricate ways to smoke. They go look at sites like Grasscity because they’re pro stoners, but you? You don’t give a damn about getting caught. So instead of investing in a vaporizer and saving your lungs while protecting yo’ ass, build a bed sheet fort and roast a blunt or two with your roommate, and make sure to leave the door open.
9.) Recreate Project X or Animal House:
Drinking in the dorms is one of the necessary experiences of freshman year, and you gotta do it with gusto! Open your doors wide, pump the music as loud as possible, and make sure you’re holding a beer bong out the window when the RAs come. We also suggest smoking at the same time, or even drinking in the hallways (see #5).
8.) Get an exotic pet:
A pet snake or hamster are cool, and a cat or dog is even better. A pet would be a lot of fun in your dorm room, and walking a dog around campus is a great way to get the ladies. But if you’ve got real cojones you’ll walk right in to the dorms with an alligator on a leash, and only apologize for keeping it in the shower when someone gets hurt.
7.) Party with your RA:
There’s plenty of great ways to get caught by your RA. You could brush your teeth with a bottle of vodka in the hall bathroom, or maybe fill his fish tanks completely with booze as a prank. If you really want to get caught, just knock on his door with a Jager bomb in-hand, and make that bitch chug!
6.) Destruction of property:
Any amount of destruction can get you in trouble in the dorms, and it can also be tons of fun! We suggest opening up a wall and connecting two rooms, that way you can have one huge room until you get booted. Alternatively, the “Atomic Flush” has always sounded like a cool idea, and if it works there would probably be a lot of kickin’ out.
5.) Turn the hallway into a slip ‘n slide:
Without running water this one may seem like a chore, but on those late nights when you can’t study for another second, just strip down and lube up with some KY and get sliding down the hallway. This is much better as a group activity, but if you want to get kicked out doing it you should flood the bathroom, lay down some tarps… and still maybe lube up with KY for the hell of it.
4.) Sacrifice your roommate to Satan:
In order to succeed in school some people find the need to channel a higher power. There are many great demons, but Satan himself is the easiest for beginners, especially this close to Halloween. So light up some candles, draw a nice pentagram on the floor, and tie that sucker down when you have a chance. It’s their fault they didn’t think of this first, Hail Satan!
3.) Party naked on the roof:
Getting caught on the roof is a great way to get in trouble, so if you want to get kicked out we suggest getting buck-naked and raging up there. This is hilarious if you do it by yourself, but it gets creepy after about five minutes; get some friends to join, and you’re guaranteed to get yourself kicked out in style.
2.) Destroying a washer or dryer:
We plead with you not to be that guy, because anyone who would mess with the already crappy laundry rooms on campus are the worst kind of people. If you really have to, the best way is throwing a brick into a dryer. You might only get in trouble for doing one dryer, but you might as well go all out and enable a whole dancing dryer fleet to your command.
1.) Burn that motherfucker to the ground!:
If you still seem to get kicked out after all of those things, then damn, that’s impressive. But we guarantee this last one will get you thrown out and a little more. If you want to enjoy your last day before going straight from dorm to prison for arson, get some marshmallows before setting the blaze so you can do a little roasting before they come for you.
The Black Sheep is new to CU and looking for you! (Writers, couldn’t not finish that rhyme that though.)