We all know how hard using public bathrooms can be—especially for those of you who cringe at the thought of that awkward silence in another’s presence—but on such a large campus it’s even harder to find some privacy to do your dirty business. Let’s face it: when you gotta go, you gotta go. The Black Sheep sympathizes with you, and in turn we’ve compiled a list of 3 best and 3 worst women’s bathrooms to use or avoid on campus when you experience a dangerously critical demand to poop.
3.) Robert H. Smith School of Business:
If there’s one thing we learned from this bathroom experience, it’s that business people like their shit CLEAN. We were so impressed by the cleanliness that it was decided if there were a lock-down on campus we would happily hole up in that porcelain abode.
2.) Queen Anne’s First Floor Unisex Bathroom:
Located right behind McKeldin, this floor’s bathroom is perfect when you need to go during your class break. It is made for one person and also right next to the laundry room, so you don’t have to imagine people walking by with concerned looks—your noise pollution will surely be drowned out by the roar of the dryers (if not, then there’s no place on earth that can help you and we hope that you get better soon.)
1.) McKeldin Third Floor:
If you could choose one secret pooping place in the whole entire world then this should be it. It’s so quiet and deserted that someone could hide a body there and it would never be found (not recommended), making for the perfect poop getaway. You don’t even have to worry about wafting smells because there is hardly anyone on that floor! Yay! They say the higher the floor the quieter, but that’s actually code for: the higher the floor, the higher the chance to poop peacefully.
3.) Adele H. Stamp Student Union:
This one really should be common sense, but just in case you didn’t know: there are always people in that building. REFRAIN FROM ANY POOPING ACTIVITIES. The Stamp constantly has events so unless you want representatives of certain groups, ballroom dancers, or kids who just ate an unhealthy amount of McDonald’s downstairs as your pooping companions then we suggest you avoid this bathroom at all costs.
2.) Tydings Hall:
The designers of this bathroom definitely did not prize privacy, or maybe they thought it was a cruel joke to leave such large cracks in between the stalls that others can see just how constipated you really are. Not to mention how high the bottom of the stall doors are from the floor—constipation will turn into a R-rated movie in this bathroom.
1.) Francis Scott Key Basement Floor:
This bathroom is by far, single-handedly the most disgusting bathroom we have ever experienced. It smells like it hasn’t been cleaned since 1906 and is big enough to fit a fat dwarf in its available space. Also, do not look at yourself in the mirrors unless you’ve always dreamed of seeing yourself as a deformed, contorted thing of a college student. You will have the worst possible pooping experience in this bathroom. Please, for poop’s sake, don’t go here unless your poop is literally coming out of your butthole as you’re walking down the sidewalk.
All in all, desirable pooping places are hard to come by on a college campus. At UMD, there are buildings that will either bring your salvation or deliver your pooping demise. You no longer have the luxury of pooping in a diaper wherever and whenever you please, and as part of the adult world, you now have to be a smart pooper when deciding where to unload your lunch. Life as an adult truly does stink, doesn’t it?