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We Watched Brother Jed’s Reality Show, So You Didn’t Have To

 

UIUC’s favorite racist and homophobic campus preacher Brother Jed and his family made a reality show called Book of Jed. Yeah, we’re a satirical newspaper, but we promise you this is real. But, we know you’re busy and don’t purposely make time for an old man telling you to go to hell for masturbating. Like the saints The Black Sheep staff are, we watched the surprisingly well-produced show, so you didn’t have to. Here’s how it all went down:

 

The Intro:
There’s a montage of Brother Jed’s family preaching insane things to college campuses behind poorly produced GarageBand music such as “Sex is for married people, if you’re not married it is evil,” and “Now women, bring your bible on your next date and put it on your lap, because he will have to go through the bible to get your vagina.” It also features his hilariously attractive daughters saying things like “My dad’s crazy,” and “My family is normal, but what is normal these days?” as the daughters roll their eyes like any teenage daughter would when their father is an insane campus preacher. Brother Jed tries to set up new campus preacher Mikhail (photo below) with her daughters because they’re in “child-bearing years.” Go ahead and roll your eyes reader, it’s his words, not ours.

 

Mikhali

 

The Scene Where Brother Jed Gets Dissed By His Daughter:
The show cuts to a scene where one of the daughter’s cars won’t stop. The first climax of the show we’d consider. As the daughter rolls her eyes, Jed said, “In times like this, you need a good man in your life. The problem is you women don’t know how to fix cars.” The daughter then yelled at Jed and said, “Dad you don’t know anything about cars!” Brother Jed’s face was priceless.

 

BrotherJedRoastedGraphic

 

The Scene Where Mikhail Jokes About Stalin:
Because Mikhail is an immigrant, that allows us Americans to interrogate him on his country and his loyalty. Brother Jed’s daughter Evangeline (photo below) asked him his opinion of Russian President and teen heartthrob Vladimir Putin. Mikhail said, “He’s better than Stalin, so I think he’s alright.” Evangeline wasn’t happy about that answer and said, “What better than Stalin? What does that even mean he’s better than Jeffrey Dahmer?” For how homophobic and racist this young preacher is, he has a wonderful sense of humor. This show is turning into a light-hearted comedy and we’re loving it.

 

EvangelineGraphic

 

When Brother Jed’s Daughter Brought An Atheist To Dinner:
Priscilla, one of Brother Jed’s daughter falls in love with a boy named Zayn, an atheist who looks like he belongs on Duck Dynasty. The producers of the show convinced Priscilla to bring this atheist guy to Sunday dinner and hilarity ensues. Brother Jed and family interrogated poor Zayn with questions like “Is Jesus Christ your lord and savior,” “Have you been saved?” and “You don’t masturbate, do you?” Jed demanded that his daughter not have a relationship with a non-believer, of course.

 

ZaynGraphic

 

How The Show Ended (*Spoilers*):
Brother Jed took the atheist on a tour of his small town Terre Haute, Indiana and showed him a Larry Bird statue, which is the next closest thing to Jesus himself in Indiana. Brother Jed ended up letting Priscilla and Zayn be friends, but not lovers because he’s such a nice guy.

FinaleBrotherJed FinaleBrotherJed

Final Grade:
The Black Sheep gives the “Book of Jed” pilot episode a B+. The show had just the right amount of sexism and homophobia we were looking for. The surprisingly well-produced, but horribly scripted show gave a good background of Brother Jed and his family. We hope Netflix picks up the pilot because this show is binge-watching worthy. It validated what you thought an insane campus preacher’s life was like and then some.

 

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