The DOs and DON’Ts of Halloween at CU Boulder

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Halloween is on the mend and everyone’s already figuring where to pregame, what costumes to wear and if it’s gonna be a drug night or booze night. Let’s not forget that this night isn’t just for the frat bros or parading around in what is normally considered underwear. Boulder is not just for college kids, and neither is Halloween, so here are the DOs and DON’Ts of not being a weiner this halloween at CU Boulder.

5.) Don’t — Fuck with pumpkins:
If a little kid or basic college student took the time to carve up a jack o’ lantern, don’t bash it or kick it around. Carving up pumpkins is fun for everyone and there’s nothing worse than waking up to find some ass hat decided to go full FIFA on that pumpkin you lugged all the way back up the Hill from the farmer’s market. Not only is it a major bummer, but it’s also just shit halloween karma for you. That deserves some Pennywise or Freddy Krueger payback.

4.) Do — Have a bit of decency:
If you look in the mirror at your costume and have to ask if your dad would ground you for it, fucking change it. It’s actually impressive that some girls walk around the Hill in nothing but lingerie on halloween- it’s almost November in Colorado. It’s cold. Exposed butt and ass season is very over, and parents don’t need to be giving the birds and bees talk just because your sexy Ralphie costume is only horns. If Jack Skeleton looks at you and says, “What’s this?”…Change.

3.) Don’t — Be that kid:
Halloween is not an excuse to go all-out dumbass. Yes it’s fun to party, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun having campus police chase you across Farrand Field while you’re in a campus police costume. The BPD and CUPD piglets are on higher alert tonight. Just because you’re in an inflatable T-Rex costume doesn’t mean you can light a bag of dg shit on fire and put in on those fancy Goss Grove porches. Society still has rules.

2.) Do — Have a general plan:
There is nothing worse than getting left or forgotten during a holiday. Halloween in Boulder is a crazy night. That means don’t get wasted at the pre-game and forget what day it is. Eat some Fat Shack and be kinda responsible. There are plenty of nights to get shitfaced, but only a one, maybe two Halloweekends. Get a solid #squad and don’t lose them. There is nothing weirder than walking into Sig Nu alone in a giraffe onesie. If you don’t wanna go out, then plug in some Tim Burton and chill. It’s not like being a Buff means you have to get fucked up on a Tuesday, right?

1.) Don’t — Ruin it:
You remember when you’re soul wasn’t completely black and some part of you was still innocent? Childhood? Yeah, that’s still a thing around here. If a kid knocks on your door for a trick or treat, give them a real treat. Don’t give them an expired condom or your broken iClicker. That is the true dick move. Search your shithole of a house until you find a mint or a cookie (not an edible). If you don’t have jack shit, turn off your lights.

A Halloweiner is someone who takes Halloween and makes it a general shit show, AKA that douche at The Downer in the Donald Trump mask. Just chill, k? It’s on a Tuesday this year, and Wednesday doesn’t need to be death day at CU. That kid in you still enjoys some candy, a few scares and a good time. Just add booze for the college edition.

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