“Biden is Back” Likely to Involve Giant Ice Cream Swimming Pool on The Green
On Friday March 24th, students received a campus-wide email vaguely detailing Joe Biden’s return to the University of Delaware, and an “event” to take place on April 7th on the Green. Speculations about the mystery affair spread through social media platforms and occupied group-chats between students, faculty and staff; the most popular theory being a giant UDairy ice cream swimming pool party.
“It all makes perfect sense,” commented Junior Ashley Case. “I watched this Facebook video last week about how Joe Biden loves ice cream. So like, what better way to celebrate him returning to UD than melting gallons of it, dumping it all in four large above-ground pools strategically placed on the Green, and slathering it all over our bodies?”
The specificity of Case’s hypothesis was reportedly the main factor that convinced a whopping 80% of the student body that this had to be the mysterious event mentioned in the email.
“I love Joe Biden,” reported sophomore Brian Hughs. “He’s so hot, you know? I mean maybe he was okay back when he was our age and went to UD, but that man ages like a fine wine and I’m feeling pretty cheesy, if, ya know what I mean,” he commented.
Not understanding what Hughs said at all, we tried to reach Biden himself for comment.
“I’m neither going to confirm nor deny these allegations,” he responded to us in an email, “but it’s gonna be pretty fuckin sick and if you’re lactose intolerant, I’d just stay home that day. Shit’s about to get weeeiiirrrdddd!”
Despite the rumors, there has not yet been a confirmation on whether or not the event will involve UDairy icecream and aboveground pools. Students have been left at the edges of their seats until their return from spring break to find out what this mysterious Joe Biden event will entail.
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