UD Gets Collective Blue Balls After Commencement Speaker, Who is Not Joe Biden, Announced
Last week UD found out who was chosen to be commencement speaker at the 2017 graduation, and after much built up anticipation, former Vice President and UD alumus Joe Biden will not be making the speech. Instead, Joe has sent his buddy Jack Markell to fill in for him, as if that’s the same thing. The morale on campus has suffered a severe blow after the news was published.
Before the announcement, a poll was conducted to estimate how Joe’s expected appearance at graduation would influence graduate turnout at the ceremony. For the first time since Joe actually went here the graduation attendance was expected to be 100%.
“If Joe Biden is gonna be there you bet I’m gonna come. Just thinking about him will make everyone come. How could you see his face and not come? Joe will cause large crowds to come,” UD senior Mark Johnson said prior to the announcement when asked about his decision to attend graduation.
Despite this optimism, Joe will in fact not be attending graduation, and spirits have fallen greatly. Many students claimed to be mislead by his apparent commitment to UD.
“Joe has all of these big rallies, last week he came to class just to surprise us,” UD Senior Jen Randall said, “I really thought that he would be there to see us graduate. I thought it would be important to him.”
There have been numerous complaints about nonrefundable cap and gown purchases.
Graduating senior Amanda Retton said “I only bought this stupid thing because I was under the impression that Joe would be at graduation. Now that some random guy from local government is going to be giving the speech, it’s not worth it anymore. They can keep my diploma, I don’t even want it.”
The widespread disappointment has prompted many to prop up their ego by finding a new UD Alumnus to worship. Political Science major Janet Feinstein said “I was a Biden groupie for a while, but after he won’t even come to my graduation, I will just find another middle-aged politician to adore. Chris Christie went to UD and he ran for pres- er, nevermind I just puked in my mouth a little.”
While planning for their student events next year, SCPAB conducted a poll to see if the presence of Joe Biden would still excite people.
Vice President of SCPAB Penelope Jenkins said “Joe has been pretty cool for a while, but we were expecting a plunge in popularity any second now. After this stunt with backing out of graduation, I don’t think students will even know his name next year. He’s probably going to turn into the Voldemort of UD. Tour guides will mention alumni Joe Flacco, Elena Delle Donne, and he who shall not be named.”
Surprisingly the SCPAB poll came back that most students would still wait in line for up to 48 hours to get to touch Joe Biden’s elbow, and a whole week to touch his wispy white locks. Even after this massive disappointment, it is clear that Joe has an unshakable grip on us. UD once again plays the forgotten mistress.