The 7 Deadly Sins of Riding the CTA

author-pic at DePaul University  

Summer is here which means a flood of interns and transplants and sweaty assholes will start filling up the CTA like never before. So it’s time for a little refresher on the rules. If you’re thinking “I’ve lived in the city for more than 5 years I know what I’m doing,” you’re wrong. You think you know, but you don’t, because these 10 things are witnessed on every goddamn ride into the goddamn city and enough is enough. Even when the CTA came out with cute-n-snarky ads it didn’t work, because you ingrates can’t get it through your thick skulls how annoying you are. Have some empathy. Think about how your reactions affect others. That’s where you should start. Commit these 7 sins on the CTA and you should burn in hell.

7.) Greed – Not moving to the middle of the train:
Why are you standing there? What happened in your childhood that you’ve decided to stand your goddamn ground while the whole middle of the goddamn aisle is wide open? Move. Move. Don’t make people squidge around you. Move. Nothing makes everyone around you give an exasperated fuuuuckkkkkk like you just standing there oblivious to the middle section getting increasingly dense.

6.) Wrath – Flopping your giant ass bookbag everywhere:
It’s bigger than you are and taking up the space of three people. Take that fucking thing off and put it on the floor or dangling at your knees. Or don’t, and wheel around like a fucking ninja turtle pissing off every goddamn person in the holy fucking vicinity. Jesus, maybe this should be #1.

5.) Sloth – Putting your gross back or head against the poles: 
Don’t rest your sweaty ass back against it. Don’t put your gross head on it either, ya noodleneck. Hold your head up, you’re an adult. You can rest when you’re dead, which is hopefully soon.

5.) Gluttony – Eating:
Nevermind the fact that you’re eating Subway at 7 a.m. like an insane person, but you’re eating amidst a bunch of breathing, farting, breathing strangers. This place is filthy. Keep your gaping face hole shut. There should be no mouth stuff on the train, especially eating.

4.) Lust – Just general touching:
Oh sorry, is this the movie theater? Are you on a fucking date? If you need to embrace each other on the train like vikings on a burning ship, there are bigger problems in your relationship. Like the fact that you’re both wearing Looney Toon pajama pants. If you stop touching each other you’re not going to fall into some infinite black abyss below the trian. We’re not lucky enough for that to happen.

3.) Envy – Not taking an open seat:
TWIST. No one’s impressed by you being too manly and strong to take a seat like some nancy boy. If the train is crowded, sit your soft little butthole on the seat and free up some room. Oh and if you’re sitting on the outside seat with a bag or something on the inside seat, fuck you.

2.) Pride – Moving towards the door until you’re at your stop:
You’re too proud to wait your turn fuck you I know it’s a stretch. Just wait to get off. Not half way to your stop. Not almost to your stop. At your stop. We’re all hurtling towards death, and you’re making that our journey worse. No one can move, and now you’re pushing your fat flesh through the rest of the bodies like a raisin through Jell-O. You’re not going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. Hold your fucking horses.

1.) Sloth – Standing on the fucking left side of the fucking escalator:
An old woman with two large plastic grocery bags filled with other plastic grocery bags steps in front of you and doesn’t move. Now everyone behind you for the foreseeable future is going to be late, and everything goes red and now there’s blood and grinded up bones in the escalator. It’s a real mess. Avoid this by just walking on the left side!

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