The 5 Worst DePaul Center Pigeons Out to Ruin Your Life

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Pigeons, the breed of birds we love to hate. While the city of Chicago is littered with the inbred feathered fellows, they all manage to flock to one place – right in front of the DePaul Center. At one point or another you’ll be minding your own business when one of these varmints will swiftly and effectively ruin your entire life in one fell swoop. Since we need to band together against these foul fowl, we have identified the five main perpetrators.

5.) Phil:

A working father of two, this guy has no time to fucks around. His feathers are the human equivalent of the realest normcore outfit you can think of. Slightly scuffed, white New Balances that teeter on the edge of looking like an orthopedic shoe, paired with khakis with pleats, and a light green checked shirt; this uniform is his power move. With this, Phil has the power to do anything – including steal every last Cheez-It from the bag you’re eating in front of the DePaul Center. He has to feed his family somehow!

4.) Sebastian:

A true intellectual, Sebastian is here to have some real discourse. He would love to talk to you about new wave feminism or his most recent art history class. While at first, he seems like a cool guy, because of his black Steve Jobs turtleneck and clear acetate-framed glasses, you will soon realize he’s a real loser. How you might ask? Well he’ll soon start pissing you off when he haphazardly “flies” in your direct walking path. Way to piss a person off Sebastian.

3.) Stephanie:

It’s been a hard few weeks for Stephanie out on the cold, mean streets of Chicago. Even though all she wants to do is radiate positivity for others, it seems to be fruitless. Not only has she been “accidentally” kicked four times in the past week by pedestrians, she lost a leg last month due to an unfortunate L accident. But don’t let her innocent damsel-in-distress shtick fool you! Stephanie can be a real bitch…especially when she decides to shit all over you on your way to class.

2.) Katie:

Katie has a big mouth and a loud voice. She only has a taste for gossip and can’t keep your name out of her mouth! One day you’ll just be hanging around outside of the DePaul Center, pensively smoking your American Spirits in the rain, and you’ll start to hear the unmistakable squawk of Katie talking shit. Guess what Katie…we don’t have time for you drama ok! We don’t DO drama here at DePaul.

1.) Nick:

Like most dudes named Nick, this pigeon is relatively non-threatening. That is, until you get him talking about politics! Right as soon as you casually mention that you think the prison system needs reforming or that you support gun control, Nick will open his big fat beak. He’ll mansplain to you that men deserve the right to bear arms! He’ll also tell you that his favorite president was Andrew Jackson…but NOT because he was an egregious racist. Basically, Nick will just annoy the hell out of you by simply existing.

Remember, if you see one of these winged bastards, it’s probably best to just leave the premises before they can do any real damage.

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