8 Gators You’ll Try (and Fail) to Avoid at Midtown

author-pic at University of Florida  

Nightlife in Gainesville allows us to get to know our classmates on a new level, one never seen during class or in the dining halls. Midtown brings out the worst in every one of us—exposing traits we didn’t know we possessed. While you may have a dark side, you need to keep an eye out for those Midtown crashers you’re bound to meet each night.

8.) The Drunk Messiah:

Despite having seven drinks, this is the guy that will take the wellbeing of the group into his own hands, appointing himself as tour guide. He leads his friends, amassing stragglers along the way, from bar to bar with the confidence of someone who didn’t just puke in the Relish bathroom.

7.) The Very Drunk Girl at Ball’s:

Draped halfway out of Ball’s window that leads to the sidewalk, she becomes the main attraction of many Snapchat stories. Her floppy demeanor causes concern in bar-goers as well as passersby; but her instant revival when “Closer” comes on convinces everyone she’s totally fine.

6.) The Hungry Man:

Five minutes after arriving, Hungry Man hints that he wants to leave Social and hit up Pizza by the Slice. It quickly becomes clear that the only reason he came out tonight was to end up with a greasy pepperoni slice dripping with cheese. Can we blame him, though?

5.) The Guy Wasting Beer on Rowdy’s Balcony:

This guy slipped and spilled half of his IPA over the balcony, but what started out as drunken clumsiness quickly turned into a drinking game. He realized that his mistake earned the attention of the unfortunate passerby who got soaked in beer. Each time someone flicked him off, he would take a shot, leading him to forget why he was up there in the first place.

4.) The Disgruntled Designated Driver:

Always caught between an eye roll and an aggravated sigh, this guy’s exasperation gets old pretty quick. His keys never leave his hands; he constantly jangles them so everybody knows he’s been ready to head home since the pregame.

3.) The Puppy Dog Freshman:

The excitement of this sweet freshman escalates when she finds someplace new and shiny. She runs off easily, has a perpetual wide-eyed look on her face and pees just about anywhere. Her friends try everything to make sure she gets home alive—though they may need a leash next time.

2.) The Dude Scaling the Balcony at Grog:

After recently learning parkour from binge watching season six of The Office, he decides to take this newfound fascination and turn it into a hobby…after seven loaded Coronas. Found above a crowd of drunks all shouting, “DO A FLIP,” he contemplates jumping from Grog’s balcony.

1.) The Pretentious Drunk Who Forgot it’s Saturday Night:

In a school considered “the Harvard of the South,” it’s natural that only intellectual matters are discussed, even at the bars. This nerd takes this to a whole new level, becoming more condescending after every shot. Whether about politics or global warming, he’s sure to slur an argument that no one attempts to refute.

None of these Midtown crashers will remember meeting you in the morning, so cherish the time you spent together—and archive all the dumb shit you did on Instagram.