10 Questions You’ll Have After Dennis Looks You in the Eyes and Says, “B*tches, Right?”

author-pic at University of Florida  

Well, it’s finally happened. Your college career-length streak of actively avoiding Dennis came to a screeching halt when he looked deep into your soul and spoke to you. In your constantly flustered and socially anxious state of being, you instinctively muttered “right,” back to him. You will now spend the next few minutes wrestling with your internal monologue, who will be asking you questions like these:

10.) “How the f*ck did I just allow myself to make eye contact with him?”

Not unlike a train wreck, it’s hard to not immediately look in the direction of the typical nonsense Dennis spews when you hear it. We get it. It was probably just a coincidence that he happened to be looking at you while spewing.

9.) “Why did he choose to engage with me?”

Maybe you were the best-looking person in the area. Maybe you were the worst-looking. Maybe he knows about your crippling social anxiety and knew you were an easy target. Not many are fortunate enough to make a connection this deep with him, so you’d better count your blessings!

8.) “Oh God, what if he tries to say more things to me?”

Just ignore him. He’s gotta be used to that kind of rejection by now.

7.) “What if he’s not all that bad, just misunderstood and in need of a friend?”

Chances are, he’s actually all three of these things.

6.) “Am I a bad person for always trying to avoid him?”

Not at all! Almost every UF student tries to avoid him. You’re not trying to call the entire UF population bad people, are you? If so, maybe you are a bad person after all. Think about that.

5.) “…Did he just fall asleep?”


4.) “What is he dreaming about?”

Although no one can really be sure what goes on in that beautiful mind, our best guess is that Dennis Dreams™ usually consist of some combination of Silicon Valley, being able to fly, and 7/$28 panties.

3.) “Should I stop staring at him in case he wakes up?”

No way! Dennis in repose is the least-understood scientific phenomenon in the universe. Take advantage of this time to conduct experiments on him, observe his behaviors, and, of course, Snapchat him to all of your friends.

2.) “What’s his workout routine like?”

The man looks like he’s never missed a leg day in his life, and there’s certainly no mistaking his buns of steel. Dennis is all of our #bodygoals, but no one’s ever seen him at the gym, leaving us to believe that one of two things must be true: either his Turlington dancing is the sole contributor to his hot bod, or he was chiseled by the gods and sent to Earth already perfect. You decide which is the more likely answer.

1.) “What kind of dogs does he like best?”

Bitches, right?

Dennis is truly an enigma. Although we may never fully understand why he says literally any of the things he says, it’s important that we hold onto any small nuggets of truth he bestows upon us.