7 Last Minute Ways to Get UF Dance Marathon Donations

author-pic at University of Florida  

Dance Marathon’s tomorrow, and it’s officially crunch time to get to your goal. This is the prime opportunity to beat that bitch that’s been fighting for the dancer spot you’ve been working all year to snatch. Here are some helpful tips to reach comma club in these next few days.

7.) Stealing Samples from the Bloodmobile and Selling Them on the Black Market:

In the spirit of supporting medical sciences, the Bloodmobile probably won’t mind sparing some extra blood to benefit DM. We all know you can get way more cash for it on the black market than they can by giving it to actual patients. Sometimes it’s best to just redirect your morality to get shit done.

6.) Robbing Krishna Lunch:

Who knows what those hippies use with the profits from Krishna Lunch anyway? Instead of using the money to buy more doobies and tie dye bandanas, shouldn’t it go to actual suffering children? Do they really need five whole dollars in exchange for a paper plate full of acidic smelling food? Selfish pricks.

5.) Carrying Around a Sign with Your Venmo Handle at Mid:

Prey on the pockets of drunken Midtown-goers by putting your Venmo handle right in their face. If you plan your night out properly and hit each bar at its prime hour, you may be able to accumulate more money FTK than the bartenders will in tips.

4.) Drop Out and Use Your Tuition:

Selflessness is a virtue. If you really love the kids, you’ll sacrifice your education for them. You hate classes anyway, so you might as well put the money in your college fund to good use and send it to DM instead.

3.) Rent Out Your Dorm for Freshman to Have Sex in:

Horny freshmen face the age-old dilemma of cock-blocking roommates. Take advantage of their desperation and rent out your room as a cheap alternative to the prostitute motel on 13th where they can enjoy their sexy time in private (once you put down towels on every square inch of the room, of course).

2.) Sell Your Sperm:

The college freshman drought has heightened your masturbating skills anyway, so why not do it for a good cause? As long as you don’t think too much about your motivation for jacking off, it’s okay to use the funds from it for the kids.

1.) Sell Wish-Granting Brownies:

The market for edibles is ever growing in a college town. This is your chance to combine your high school home ec. skills with your college drug knowledge, and make some bomb ass goodies. Blaze it FTK!

The big event is tomorrow so if you don’t act fast you’re going to be standing these penniless while all of your friends make fun of you for how much you hate the kids. Don’t be that person, get that money. 

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