FSU Professor “Not an Artist” But “You Get the Gist”

author-pic at Florida State University  

Early Thursday morning, panic shook a small Intro to Short Story classroom after their sophisticated and okay-dressed professor, Chrispy Cobalt, revealed that he was in fact not an artist.

As multiple reports have it, Cobalt took a moments break from begging the class to participate a discussion on The Metamorphosis to attempt to draw a picture of Gregor Samsa on the whiteboard.

After squeaking out a few indiscernible lines intended to be insect legs he turned to the class and sheepishly exclaimed, “I’m really not an artist but you get the gist; he was a bug”.

According to Creative Writing major Harris Lorris, this cursory admittance of deceit sent the classroom into an existential tizzy:

“We were all just kinda shocked because we were under the impression that we were being taught by an actual english professor, not some hack who doesn’t even consider himself an artist. Also, who draws just legs to depict a giant bug? That doesn’t make any sense… maybe he was doing some sort of Kafkaesque demonstration?”

Apparently, however, this is not the first time that something like this has happened at FSU, it seems to be pretty common. Just last week an interesting inversion occurred in a studio art class entitled ‘Seeing with your fingertips’, when during a particularly involved finger painting lesson, Professor Agaetis Byrjun attempted to write a portion of the lesson on the whiteboard.

Professing to the class that she was “NOT much of a writer,” Agaetis began to pen gibberish on the board in the most beautiful and elegant of fonts.

Heloise Gatorbowl, a junior and studio art major who, at the time of our interview, was wearing pants made entirely out of Dasani water bottle labels and sporting tiny drink umbrellas over her nips, was particularly shook.

“I don’t understand how an actual illiterate is allowed to teach a college course. It seems as though Professor Byrjun literally cannot utilize writing as a form of communication in the english language. One time I wrote a paper on Frida Kahlo’s forehead hair and instead of giving it notes or even a grade, she returned it to me soaking wet with misshapen inkblots resembling Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. I think she had attempted to put a bunch of temporary tattoos on it and gave up. Bizarre.”

While these accounts of egregious donnish shortcomings are clearly unacceptable, perhaps there’s a silver lining. College is a time to question things and to undergo as many internal crises as you can fit into four years and part of growing up is realizing that adults actually don’t have it all figured out. Ironically, by the time you come to this realization, you’ve probably just become an adult yourself. Personal growth has to be catalyzed by something so why not let it be a professor who doesn’t understand what a bug looks like or an art teacher that can’t write english words.