Recently-Suspended ZBT Now “Recruiting” Outside Mike’s Beer Barn
Reports began flooding in last week that the local chapter of ZBT, a fraternity that recently was kicked off campus after allegations of hazing, had begun recruiting potential pledges outside the gas station situated next to Mike’s Beer Barn. Witnesses on the scene described older looking gentlemen approaching underage residents, offering to buy them booze, and then asking if they enjoyed fun activities like seeing who can hold their breath the longest in a tub of pudding or racing their friends on Razor scooters to Pot’s. The allegations shook the fraternity and sorority world to its very core.
“I just can’t believe a fraternity would serve alcohol to minors, it doesn’t make any sense,” one distraught Tri Delt told us. “I just assumed the broken glass and crushed tall-boys on Jefferson Street were from arts and crafts activities. Hard to believe they were drinking this whole time”.
According to sources, once the brothers of ZBT were forced off campus they decided to set up shop outside of Mike’s Beer Barn famous for their overpriced Smirnoff and drive-thru option intended to appeal to the homeless but car possessing population.
“Honestly, the whole thing was outrageous,” one local resident who was approached by the ZBT brothers. “They approached my kid while he was in his Little League uniform and told him if he brought girls over, that they would totally buy him a case of Keystone. All he wanted was some beef jerky but now he’s got half a case of Keystone left and a weird rash. I think it’s safe to say we’re concerned.”
This isn’t the first complaint that we got from locals just trying to re-up on some Bud Light Platinum either. It seems as if students weren’t the only targets.
“I was walking into Mike’s Beer Barn to get my daily single serving of Old English, my favorite craft beer, and this guy approached me as I was walking to my Camry and told me to recite the entire Greek alphabet or I would have to chug my whole Old English,” one older man told us after getting in contact with our reporter. “When I refused, he said he liked my style and asked me if I wanted to join ZBT. I, of course, told him no which only seemed to get him more excited. He chased me to my beloved Camry shouting ‘ZBT ZBT’. I haven’t been able to go back to Mike’s Beer Barn since. I’m going to get back to my Old English now.”
While we can’t confirm these stories, we do stand by our sources and will continue to update our audience over the next six years that ZBT is serving their suspension. Please don’t feel obligated to recite the Greek alphabet if they approach you.
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