FSU Senior Sells Blood, Childhood Home, Soul for Stats Textbook
Yep it’s that time of year again. It’s two weeks into classes and it’s time to decide if it’s worth your time, effort, or money to buy the textbook your professor wrote so he can go to Hawaii for that big conference he goes to every year.
One student, Statistics major Jessica Sect, recounted her textbook experience.
“I usually just use my financial aid,” said Sect, “but I’ve been barred from receiving any since that year I spent all my money on James Patterson mystery novels. So I’ve decided I’ll just have to sell my blood for the money I need.”
The local blood bank, owned by the Nosfacula Foundation, happily takes blood from any student in desperate need of some cash. Unfortunately, Sect reports that she neglected to fill in the “Give me money” section of her donation form and received no monetary compensation for her donation.
“Don’t worry because I have another way to make quick money,” said Sect said she shuddered “it’s called…”
Plasma donation is another very lucrative way to use the chemicals in your body that you only sort of need, and luckily, the Dracferatu Plasma donation center is right next to the blood donation center, so you can give back to back.
“Can I have your jacket?” Sect asked abruptly during our interview, “the plasma donation wasn’t much different from the blood donation so I was prepared and I filled the form in correctly this time so I got my money. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how many New York Times Best Selling Jodi Picoult novels were at the FSU bookstore and ended up spending all my plasma money on those instead.”
Asked if this was the point when she sold her house to pay for the expensive textbook, she responded through incessant coughing:
“I didn’t sell my house,” said Sect, shivering wildly, “My landlord kicked me out because I spent all my rent money on James Patterson mysteries instead of the rent. But I did hear you could sell your soul to the Devil.”
“They gave me 500 dollars to bite into my neck, which isn’t even the worst thing I’ve let a guy do to me,” said Sect as she laughed at her own joke and then vomited from the pain of laughing, “The money more than covers the first half of the cost for my Stats book, unfortunately I haven’t had the energy to go to the bookstore lately.”
At that point, Sect passed out right in front of me and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors say that she has severe pneumonia and will be lucky to live through the night, but at least she’ll be leaving the world with some good tips on how to earn some extra bucks towards those pesky textbooks.