6 Ways to Explain to Your Parents Why You Haven’t Graduated from UGA Yet

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So your parents have demanded answers as to why you decided to take a fifth and (maybe) final year. From experience, we know that you may need an argument better than, “But Mom, it’s scary out there…” or “I don’t know how to make a car payment.” The Black Sheep has decided to help you explain your sorry-ass to your parents who aren’t mad, just disappointed in you.

6.) You Need to Continue the Musical Legacy of Athens:  

Your parents will totally understand that you have to live up to R.E.M.’s Athen’s legacy, and if not we suggest looking for newer, cooler parents. Why shouldn’t you be the next? Sure, you’ve never played an instrument except the recorder in 3rd grade. And yeah maybe the only song you know by heart is “Mask Off,” but these are minor, irrelevant details.

5.) You Confused a “Victory Lap” with a New Workout Class at Ramsey:

You overheard two girls in your class talking about how taking a victory lap was “the best thing they’ve ever done,” and now they’re “just glowing.” This is what you were waiting for, a chance to get your life back on track! Literally. Now all you have to do is find out where this “gym” has been the past four years…

4.) You’re Holding Out for Weed to be Legalized in Georgia:

Weed is illegal, and illegal is bad or something. You, an angel, are not that bad and you have your parents to thank for that. They will undoubtedly respect, nay admire, your maturity and dedication to following the law and (more importantly) their pearls of wisdom.

3.) You’re Only 15 Beers Away from Finishing Your Beer Card at Pauley’s:

Pauley’s beer card has been a staple of your undergrad years at UGA, but one does not rush through  such a feat in a mere four years. With a pallette as sophisticated as yours, shotgunning four of these bad boys a night simply won’t do.Your parents should take note of your adherence to the golden rule of moderation.

2.) You’re Frat Beach Costume was Not Up to Par Last Year:

The annual pilgrimage to Saint Simons Island is to be taken seriously, especially the costumes. Dudes wear speedos, and girls usually wear those blow-up dinosaur costumes. And you? Well you wore a that dumb hangover t-shirt with the baby on the front for the fourth year in a row. Your parents will be embarrassed for you when you explain the situation in its entirety, and hopefully understand that they’ll need to fund your 5th GA/FL weekend.

1.) You Soberly Stumbled Under the Arch the Week Before Graduation:

Okay sure, “sober.” Either way, it happened. You simply cannot graduate in four years after a travesty like this, a fact beknownst by everyone including Rick and Karen. We’ve heard rumors this rule is even in the freaking iTunes terms and conditions, but who has time to read that?

You understand why you decided not to graduate, and so do we. Hopefully, after this helpful advice your parents will not only understand, but fully support your decision to take a fifth year.

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