GVSU Students to Parade Around Nerd Stuff at Science Symposium
March 24 and 25, Grand Valley State University seniors from the science department will be showcasing a shitload of dorky projects and nerdy research at their “II Annual Science Symposium,” otherwise known as the “II Annual I Was Not Well Liked in High School Summit.” Many of these seniors have been working diligently on their projects since they began their undergraduate studies at GVSU, and in that time, it has been reported that the male students presenting at the symposium have told exactly zero girls about their projects because they didn’t have any to talk to.
The pieces of research will vary widely, with categories ranging from “Dweeb Devices” all the way to “Poindexter Projects.” The first category of Dweeb Devices, you will find The World of Self-Made Plasma Globes, well known as a popular novelty item from the 1980s.
The students’ research revealed that 78% of these globes are found in Spencer’s Gifts and stoners’ basements, so the seniors decided it was time they get their unjustified share of limelight in the scientific community: “Plasma globes have a reputation for being a stereotypical exhibit at science museums on television shows. We just want to represent that weird familiarity in an academic setting,” said senior Ben Milton.
Following the plasma globes, there will be a “Bugs Encased in Plastic” display as part of the Geek Gadgets category for everyone who has ever wanted to relive being afraid of these in doctors’ offices as a child.
The GV seniors thought that the numerous scorpions and stag beetles trapped in large, plastic rectangles warranted more attention they have received for years. The research provided at the symposium showed that 100% of these captured and enclosed insect pieces came from the coffee tables of couples in Arizona who don’t wear shoes and own pet lizards, and the bathrooms of fun uncles with tattoos of other various insects who are not allowed at family functions.
When asked for comment on the bugs, Professor Rich Willard of the GVSU biology department was quoted as saying, “They creep me out. Creepy creep creeps. Bugs are creepy, people are creepy, and this display is creepy. I gotta get out of here.”
Finally, in the Poindexter Projects category, GV seniors will be exhibiting a wide array of homemade paper mache volcanoes.
These volcanoes will look exactly like what you’d imagine from a middle school science fair and they will be complete with students presenting them while wearing tennis shoes with jeans. As it’s been reported, all of the volcanoes will not erupt in an exciting or aesthetically pleasing way but rather reddish brown liquid will slowly drip from the opening, leaving the audiences of parents ultimately disappointed but still proud of their kids.
The mother of senior Johnathan Vance, who’s presenting his paper mache volcano Saturday, stated: “Johnny’s very excited for his big presentation. He got his braces removed this week and he started wearing contacts yesterday, so it’s been a big week. His father and I are going to surprise him during the symposium tomorrow with a new pocket protector, he’ll be ecstatic.”
The department hopes to attract more attendees than last year as it was mostly other dweebs and parents of dweebs. One of the seniors in charge of the symposium, Mark Rother, is in charge of gathering participants: “We almost invited the cheerleading team this year, but we saw them talking to the football players and chickened out. Not much has changed since high school I guess.”
WATCH: We asked drunks about their March Madness superstitions: