The Worst and Best Times on Allendale Campus to Avoid Other Humans

author-pic at Grand Valley State University  

All students know timing is everything in college. When your professor says a paper is “due tomorrow,” that means “do tomorrow” because nobody got time for that today. Like homework, the time you decide to eat or study on Allendale campus makes all the difference in the world. The unlucky souls that wander into Kirkhof Crave at around 11:55 a.m. can attest to the overcrowded wave pool feeling. The Black Sheep has developed a 100% foolproof guide for you to avoid the lines and crowds on campus.

5.) Panda Express:

Worst time: Noon
It’s noon and you just finished a super pop quiz and want to eat. Hopefully, you didn’t plan on eating lunch at Panda Express, but if you did, may God bless you and provide you safety on your long journey to disappointment. If you show up at lunchtime, you are guaranteed to get your food by dinnertime. Eating lunch at a normal time is such a rookie mistake.

Best time: 3:39 p.m.
Go to Panda at 3:39 p.m. This is such a terrible time to eat lunch, so we can guarantee no one will be there. Don’t try and Tapingo, it’ll make your wait longer somehow. For Lakers with a fixed budget, you can complement your mid-afternoon Panda with going to bed early for dinner.

4.) The Library:

Worst time: 8 p.m.
Don’t be that noob that arrives at the library to study midday or after class. No one likes a crowded library or whiteboard hogs. All the comfy chairs are taken anyway and your butt needs comfort! You need a less crowded time to get your studying done.

Best time: 1:37 a.m.
We recommend you show up at Mary Idema Pew precisely at 1:37 a.m. We guarantee you will get the most lit spot in the library and all the whiteboards your heart desires. 23 minutes is perfect! You will have absolutely no time to do anything productive, but you will have plenty of time to update your Snap story to let everyone know you were there!

3.) Einstein Bros Bagels:Worst time: 9:30 a.m.
Most normal humans go to Einstein Bagels for breakfast or coffee, but you’re not like the others. If you go anytime between 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. you are sure to experience a traffic jam at the kiosk, especially as no one can figure out how to order electronically.

Best time: 5:51 p.m.
If you are willing to forgo breakfast and lunch until 5:51 p.m., you won’t have to wait in a long line for your bagel and coffee. You will be ready to attack the day!

2.) Mackinac Hall:

Worst time: Noon
If you have class anytime between 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. at MAK you’ll have to deal with those annoying crowded hallways and awkward social interactions. The P.O.D. is always full, people will run into you and accidentally touch you (ew) because there just isn’t room to walk.

Best time: 15 minutes late
We recommend you show up to class 15 minutes late so you don’t have to deal with people in the hall and maybe you can use one of the bathrooms without waiting in line.True intellectuals are the ones that miss lecture!

1.) Kleiner:

Worst time: 1 p.m. / 3 p.m.
If you like to have a lot of subpar eating options at your disposal, Kleiner is the place for you! Showing up to this place at any time during the day is sure to be a disappointing experience. If you go at normal eating times like noon to, ehh, about 2 p.m., you’ll wait 45 minutes for mediocre food and/or burnt coffee. If you go to Kleiner after lunch, they’ll run out of the halfway decent food options and there will be no silverware, condiments, or pop.

Best time: 11:00 a.m.
We recommend you just stay away from this place unless you like disappointment and watery Dr. Pepper. If you do have to enter this Godforsaken building, we suggest you do it right when it opens or for Late Night because anything fried is at least partially eatable.

With this ultimate, foolproof guide, you’ll be able to navigate campus like a pro! You’re an intellectual, so it’s about time you stop acting like one of Pavlov’s dogs and start eating like a champ. With this guide, you can limit your social interaction to a new all-time low! How exciting!