7 Things Millennials Have Ruined at UIUC

author-pic at University of Illinois  

Before the Millennial generation came along, U of I was great. There were no rickety CUMTD bus, bars charging $10 cover, or air conditioning, for that matter. But ever since Millennials came along with their avocado toast and “Yaaas Queen,” this selfish generation has slowly destroyed University of Illinois. 

7.) The State Budget:
Millennials aren’t old enough to serve in the Illinois legislature, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t at fault for Governor Bruce Rauner’s inability to pass a budget for the past three years. Maybe if they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and stopped taking selfies for a second, they would be able to age faster and run for government so they can pass a budget themselves.

6.) Illini Football:
Fighting Illini football used to not be the butt end of every joke, but unfortunately the Millennials are to blame for everything here. The team used to have strong men with strong names like Dick Butkus, but now we have butterfinger Millennials who have names that suit better for the Real World: New York like Wes Lunt. It’s also important to note that Lovie used had a full head of luscious hair before he started coaching Illini football.

5.) The Original Illini Inn:
This summer, the Illini Inn was demolished and will be rebuilt as a ground floor bar for an apartment complex. Millennials have long neglected this run-down bar that their parents used make out in when they attended U of I. If kids these days weren’t so busy paying $10 cover, maybe they could have saved the bar that could only fit a maximum of 15 people.

4.) T.I.S Not Selling Textbooks Anymore:
This past school year, T.I.S. announced they would stop selling textbooks right as the Illini Union Bookstore built an Amazon pickup location in the store. T.I.S. said they would just sell Illini gear, which is what we all desperately needed more of for all the football games we go to. The greedy Millennials want to pick up toilet paper and their psychology textbook at the same time, place and same day? These kids don’t deserve free shipping either.

3.) Illini Basketball:
Back when the school didn’t bribe students with free basketball tickets, Illini basketball used to be something to glance at. The old stadium was called Assembly Hall, the generic name for any college sports stadium. But once the corporate-worshiping Millennials came around, the administration sold their souls to State Farm. Like a bad neighbor, Millennials are not there watching Illini basketball.

2.) White Horse:
The famous White Horse bar closed down this year and all the blame is on those rowdy kids who don’t know what a good time is. Kids these days rather not enjoy 25 cent wings, $1 chicken tenders or listen to a sorority girl belt “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Millennials won’t go to a bar if they can’t wear their children’s-sized Michael Jordan jersey and ice out in a beer garden, so it’s no wonder White Horse drunkenly galloped into the sunset.

1.) Unofficial:
Unofficial St. Patrick’s day used to be a drinking marathon with full of arrests and drinking tickets. But unfortunately pussy Millennials are practicing safe drinking and are following the laws like the little bitches they are. They’re probably having protected sex too! It seems like they rather drink water than green beer these days and Unofficial’s reputation will forever be tarnished.

It’s a shame that Millennials have ruined a lot of things that made UIUC great, but we’ll be sure to keep the anger going for Generation Z when they come along.

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