U of I Daddy of the Week Peter Maris

author-pic at University of Illinois  

Name: Peter Maris

Twitter Handle: @thepetermaris

Year: Sophomore

Major: Finance

Relationship Status: Happily divorced

Fraternity: Illini Poetry Club

Boxers or Briefs?: Boxer briefs

Tell us a dad joke:

Why are pirates called pirates? They just Arrrr.

What’s the best way to reduce stress when your son doesn’t mow the lawn like you like it?:

42nd trimester abortion.

How hard did you cry when you found out Antonio’s closed?:

Not as hard as when Second Story closed.

Do you like wearing your New Balances or Crocs more? Why?:

New Balance. Crocs are a severe flooding hazard if you wear them in public.

On a scale of 1-10 how drunk do you have to be to masturbate to a 2017 picture of Dolly Parton?

1. Take that however you want.

What’s the best way to clean up an oil spill in your three-car garage?:

Call someone poor to fix it, I have three cars.

What scares you most about the real world?:

It’s a tie between Ebola and giant spiders.

What is the most basic thing basic bitches wear nowadays?:

Chokers, but I like immediately knowing which girls are down for anal.

How many times a week does your wife ask you to go to the doctor to see if you have sleep apnea, or if you’re just a loud snorer?:

Seven days a week until she leaves me for the doctor who probably breathes perfectly. I hope you’re fucking happy, Susan.

Which would be worse: taking a naked 90-minute bus ride on the 22 Illini with the heat turned off in February, or being trapped in the Cly’s women’s restroom for an hour with 100 sorority girls all talking about their feelings? Why?:

The classic public transportation vs. public restroom matchup. I’m going with Cly’s women’s restroom being much, much worse.

Why do you think you deserve to be Daddy of the Week?:

I don’t have anything else, my wife took it all.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?:

They shouldn’t.