7 Things You Left in Your Petersen Fridge that Totally Went Bad Over Break
Welcome back to reality, Hawkeyes. Whether you spent your winter holidays sightseeing in Paris or cracking your great-aunt’s toes in Paris, Illinois, at some point you abandoned your dinky dorm rooms and overpriced Iowa City apartments for (hopefully) a warm and relaxing respite. Sadly, you forgot to purge your college fridge of perishables. Here is a definitive ranking of all the shit you should have thrown away, idiots.
Maybe you’re a nut milk ho. Maybe you’re a soy boi. Maybe you are a lactose-intolerant in denial (stop lying to yourself, Karen). Maybe you’re a hardcore dairy purist—you like it warm, foamy, and straight from the teat. Well, joke’s on you no matter what because whatever your creamy preference, it’s definitely chunky now!
6.) Oasis Hummus:
You definitely paid $12 for a pint of that delectable spreadable gold, insisting to yourself “of course I will finish it! It’s Oasis!” Your roommate may have even walked in on you going at it with a spoon while sobbing and watching Camp Rock 2. Despite your dedication you only ate half of it, stuck it in the back of the fridge, and forgot about it until now. Oh God, the mold.
5.) Vegetables You Bought in August:
“This year’s going to be different!” you sang as you ran through a meadow petting bunnies and picking handfuls of baby carrots and heirloom radishes. You were going to make a gluten-free fire-roasted zucchini bake! Kale chips! Meal planning! Pinterest! Well, now you’ve got some limp-ass veggies growing magnificent slime mold in your crisper. Cute!
4.) Your Roommate’s Finals Week Survival Pizza:
She bought a large pepperoni and ate all but one slice. No, that’s not a lyric from a Maroon 5 ballad circa 2004. It is, however, the explanation for the continued existence of that pizza box you’ve both been ignoring since December because it’s too big to cram into the garbage and your rental company doesn’t offer recycling collection services. Ahem.
3.) All of Your Condiments:
We at The Black Sheep can confirm that ketchup is indeed perishable. RIP, Sweet Heinzy (April 2016-January 2017). Also, mayo. And teriyaki sauce. And bleu cheese dip, you disgusting animal. And for fuck’s sake get rid of that mysteriously immortal margarine. We Can’t Believe It’s Not Rancid!
Like your sister’s pet lizard, Brenda, canned soup is something you only turn to in times of dire need. However, this October, some snot-nosed freshman coughed on you in lecture and gave you a virulent bout of Ebola probably, so you stocked up on some Campbell’s. That half-eaten can in your fridge is now a serious biohazard.
1.) A Handle of Hawkeye Vodka:
Ok fine it’s probably not expired because it’s glorified rubbing alcohol. But throw that shit out; you’re a fucking adult. Or better yet, put it in a spray bottle and use it to sanitize your newly pristine fridge. Hashtag life hacks.
Crawling out of hibernation and rejoining society is always a struggle. Clean out the ol’ icebox to make this cold, rainy syllabus week a little less gloomy!
It’s cold here. So. Very. Cold.