Fearless UI Freshman Attempts Beyoncé Dance Moves in Main Library
Early this week, University of Iowa freshman Linda Berkowitz dared to go where no student—nay, no Iowan—has gone before. This fresh-faced frosh realized that never in her 18 years had she gyrated, strutted, twirled, leaped, popped, locked, nor even dropped inside a library. In the musty 4th floor stacks of the Main Library, among rows of yellowing folios and never-opened biographies about Alexander the Great’s great-grand-nephew, Greg the Okay, Linda took a leap and boldly executed seven of Queen Bey’s most iconic dance moves:
7.) The Single Lady:
Whoa, oh, oh, look at Linda go! Gentlemen, if you like it, then you should put a ring on it—that is, if you can find Linda’s cozy hovel under the IMU bridge where she currently resides!
6.) The Temptress Crawl:
Depending on how you treat her, you may find Linda is a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare. Either way, you don’t want to wake up next to her, due to her frequent night terrors!
5.) The Partition:
Driver, roll up the partition please, because Linda’s Oasis chicken shwarma sandwich is pretty pungent! Oh there daddy daddy, should have grabbed more napkins.
4.) The Strut:
Your love’s got Linda lookin’ so crazy right now, or maybe it’s her homemade avocado and activated yeast face mask; either way, she looks pretty fucking crazy!
3.) The Baseball Bat:
Hold up, they don’t love you like Linda loves you! And by you, we mean the sharp, chemical aroma of a freshly mopped Burge bathroom.
2.) The Hair Whip:
The enigmatic Linda can be a tough nut to crack, but bring her a slice of Mesa pizza stripped of all cheese and she will love you til’ the end of time.
1.) The Legendary Lean:
Made famous by Beyoncé’s iconic Grammy performance, Linda executed this risky move with confidence and grace. No UI librarians were physically harmed in the making of this video; though many were spiritually touched.
Since her brave endeavor, Linda has blossomed into a campus celebrity, her fame rivaling that of the venerated Vodka Sam. And yes, the rumors are true: our sources have confirmed that Linda is carrying twin squirrels under her sweatshirt around campus. Congrats on the happy news, Linda, and keep doing the good work of Beysus.
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