Fearless UI Freshman Attempts Beyoncé Dance Moves in Main Library

author-pic at Iowa  

Early this week, University of Iowa freshman Linda Berkowitz dared to go where no student—nay, no Iowan—has gone before. This fresh-faced frosh realized that never in her 18 years had she gyrated, strutted, twirled, leaped, popped, locked, nor even dropped inside a library. In the musty 4th floor stacks of the Main Library, among rows of yellowing folios and never-opened biographies about Alexander the Great’s great-grand-nephew, Greg the Okay, Linda took a leap and boldly executed seven of Queen Bey’s most iconic dance moves:

7.) The Single Lady:

Whoa, oh, oh, look at Linda go! Gentlemen, if you like it, then you should put a ring on it—that is, if you can find Linda’s cozy hovel under the IMU bridge where she currently resides!

6.) The Temptress Crawl:

Depending on how you treat her, you may find Linda is a sweet dream, or a beautiful nightmare. Either way, you don’t want to wake up next to her, due to her frequent night terrors!

5.) The Partition:

Driver, roll up the partition please, because Linda’s Oasis chicken shwarma sandwich is pretty pungent! Oh there daddy daddy, should have grabbed more napkins.

4.) The Strut:

Your love’s got Linda lookin’ so crazy right now, or maybe it’s her homemade avocado and activated yeast face mask; either way, she looks pretty fucking crazy!

3.) The Baseball Bat:

Hold up, they don’t love you like Linda loves you! And by you, we mean the sharp, chemical aroma of a freshly mopped Burge bathroom.

2.) The Hair Whip:

The enigmatic Linda can be a tough nut to crack, but bring her a slice of Mesa pizza stripped of all cheese and she will love you til’ the end of time.

1.) The Legendary Lean:

Made famous by Beyoncé’s iconic Grammy performance, Linda executed this risky move with confidence and grace. No UI librarians were physically harmed in the making of this video; though many were spiritually touched.

Since her brave endeavor, Linda has blossomed into a campus celebrity, her fame rivaling that of the venerated Vodka Sam. And yes, the rumors are true: our sources have confirmed that Linda is carrying twin squirrels under her sweatshirt around campus. Congrats on the happy news, Linda, and keep doing the good work of Beysus.

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