The Best Places to Hide a Body at UMD

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Your roommate keeps stealing your low-fat yogurt. Someone cut in line at Cornerstone. Your ex makes way too many happy posts on social media. Whatever the cause, in a fit of totally justified rage, you snap and take matters into your own hands. Which is great—only now there’s a dead body and you’re not sure what to do with it.

Lucky for you, we’re not here to judge! Check out the five best places on campus to hide that fresh corpse. (Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way supports or facilitates murder. Unless they had it coming, of course.)

5.) McKeldin Stacks:

If a corpse rots in the stacks and no one’s there to smell it, does it have a scent? The answer’s probably in a book somewhere on the seventh floor, but who’s going to come looking for it? Seeing as no one’s actually been up to the stacks since the late 80’s, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will find the dead body you’ve dropped off. There’s even an elevator, so you won’t have to drag that pesky corpse too far! Bonus points if you grab a book cart to wheel it up in style.

4.) Frat Row:

Frat row can be a hotspot for crime, so after a fresh murder you’ll feel quite at ease there. Just casually lie your still-warm victim on the lawn and you’re in the clear! No one’s really going to question a prone figure out there—they’ll assume he’s sleeping it off. Or they’ll think that pledge week hazing got a liiiittle too frisky. Heck, the cops probably won’t even realize it’s a murder—they’ll just shake their heads and say “boys will be boys.”

3.) Testudo:

Weirder (and more expensive) things have been laid at Testudo’s feet in tribute. So why not a dead body? No one will question it! If anything, it’ll inspire others to also commit murder, so your victim will just be one more more tribute among dozens. Plus, this one comes with the bonus of improving your grades. Sure, someone’s just going to try to top it next semester, but what do you have to lose?

2.) A Professor’s Office:

Let’s face it: most professors would make great murderers. They’re brilliant, cold, and think they’re God. Stuff a corpse in their office, and everyone will assume some poor student messed with the wrong academic. Better yet, pinning the murder on the professor could easily be a victimless crime—if they have tenure, there’s no way they’ll get fired!

1.) A Freshman Dorm’s Laundry Room:

Dorms were sort of designed to store smelly things, so that pesky corpse will blend seamlessly into the fragrant cloud of dirty socks, stale mozzarella sticks, and general lack of hygiene. While pretty much any spot in North Campus will do, we specifically recommend the laundry room. When’s the last time you saw anyone down there, anyway? You’re probably doing the corpse a favor by stuffing them into the washer—they’ll be nice and clean once they get pulled out! (A true giver would also pop them in the dryer, but it’s not necessary.)

 

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