So You F***ed Your Old High School Teacher. Now What?

author-pic at University of Michigan  

It’s been two days since you drove home for the summer and you’ve already screwed your old high schoolteacher Mr. Peterwater. You couldn’t help it; everyone knows this guy is the town’s salt-and-pepper stud. Here are step-by-step instructions we knew you’d need to recover from your silver-foxed frenzy.

First Things First- Don’t Wake Up His Kids:

Sneak out of your 12th grade APUSH teacher’s house without waking his kids. His wife might also be a factor, but you can tell from the blankets on the couch that this marriage died years ago.

Step Two: Leave No Trace Behind Except For Quietly Flipping Over the Framed Family Photo on the Coffee Table:

You don’t want to cause a scene, but you do want some classic passive-aggressive spousal drama to ensue within this already rocky relationship.

Next, Put the Awkward Side-Hug Picture of You Two from High School Graduation in a Heart-Shaped Frame:

It’s all about the framed photographs in this affair. You finally have an excuse to display this milestone in both your academic career and sex life on your childhood dresser.

 

Step Four: Erase the Evidence:

Delete all text convos, voicemails, and, his preferred method, emails that you used to dirty talk your former educator. The odds are high that he’ll accidentally minimize his PowerPoint and reveal his most recent online chats to the whole class during his Louisiana Purchase lecture.

Step Five: Take Plan B:

Because even though he said he had a vasectomy five years ago, you can never be too careful.

Step Six: Drive By His House Every Night With the Windows Rolled Down a Quarter Inch:

This one’s useful if you want to continue slapping salmons with your old teach over the summer. Stay sexy and mysterious while also keeping tabs on your favorite Gen-X hookup as he takes out the Tuesday trash and quietly sighs before walking back inside.

Finally, Challenge Yourself to Fuck a College Professor:

Alternatively, let your low self-esteem really kick in and fuck a TA. Fall 2017 is going to be YOUR semester.