Schlissel Plans Mercy Arson for Bursley; Students Rejoice
ANN ARBOR – On March 17th, 2016, the University of Michigan Board of Regents approved a $4.3 million project to renovate North Campus landfill and part-time dormitory, Bursley Hall- an operation that still has not begun nearly a year later. The reason for the delay has recently come to light, with University President Mark Schlissel’s motion in a recent Regents meeting to “…blow that sucker up like the movie theater in Inglorious Basterds.”
Schlissel’s official plan as described in a press release from the Regents calls it a “…merciful razing of that festering blemish on the face of our University.” While no specifics were given as to when or how the destruction of Bursley would occur, the press release did note that the $4.3 million set aside for renovation would now be used to purchase a litany of “barely legal” incendiary and explosive devices, “including but not limited to napalm, thermite, business cards from the alumni center no one wants to pick up , and the innumerable copies of The Michigan Daily thrown out every day.”
According to an anonymous member of the Board of Regents, the sudden reallocation of funds from the renovation to obliteration of Bursley came about when workers tried refurbishing a singular dorm room: “The couldn’t get over the smell,” said the Regents member. “They told us it was like a port-o-potty full of Indian food. Also they saw eight ghosts, which is two ghosts over what our CLAM policy allows per dorm.”
Current residents of Burlsey Hall are mostly freshman students, and seem open to the idea. Said engineering freshman Jacob Forsling, “I would literally rather be engulfed in fire than spend one more night in this Dantean carnival of horrors. Yesterday someone took a dump in one of the showers and didn’t have the courtesy to stomp-waffle it down the drain.” Fellow freshman resident Deja Dowell added, “If someone died in their room here, the smell of their rotting corpse wouldn’t attract any attention until next Fall during move-in. I’ve been praying for the day when this place goes up in flames.”
During a press conference, Schlissel stated his intention for a holy ritual of cleansing fire that would hopefully get rid of some of the ghosts.