7 Ways to Return Home More of a Disappointment than Ever Before

author-pic at Michigan State University  

So, you’re stuck at home for the summer? Bummer. Not only do you have to deal with your parents and siblings for 3-4 months, but they also have to deal with your insufferable college behavior. Here are seven things you can  do this summer that will push your parents to the edge.

7.) Sleep all day:
This might be common practice back at college, but at home, you know your parents are not going to let this fly. But we are hardworking students who need their beauty sleep. Sleeping through one day won’t hurt anyone… or two days… in fact, just sleep the whole week away.

6.) Don’t get a job:
Working is overrated. We have more important things (see #7) to do than clock eight hours a day and make our summer miserable. Don’t expect your parents to lend you any more money if you never turn in an application though.

5.) Pretend you don’t know how to perform basic tasks:
What’s laundry? What’s a lawnmower? How does a vacuum work? Is that right? Vacuum? You lived on your own for over eight months, but when you get home, you somehow cannot translate these chores to your parents’ household. Just break a few dishes and maybe they won’t ask you to you wash them anymore.

4.) Eat all their food:
We’re used to endless buffets with our campus meal-plans. The family refrigerator is not at all the same thing. Sure, it magically re-stocks itself, but try to show some restraint while devouring all the past week’s leftovers in one sitting. Remember, only six pizza rolls equals one serving size, and that’s already over 200 calories.

3.) Fail a summer class:
You should actually get a pat on the back if you’re able to pull this one off. However, those Orgo credits aren’t going to fulfill themselves, and better to waste the money at a community college than at MSU.  Your parents will be just as displeased though.

2.) Force your siblings to lie for you:
You said you’d be home by midnight but its 4:27 in the morning, and guess who saw you coming through the door: that brat of a little sibling. They can smell all the sins you committed that night and they’re clever enough to hold it against you forever.You can pay them off, strike a deal, or just threaten to beat ’em up if they tattle. These are the sacrifices we have to make to keep our parents blissfully ignorant.

1.) Turn down Mike’s with your mom, and then get caught pounding Burnasties:
You monster. Your own, sweet, loving mother has given your pathetic, underage-ass the chance to taste alcoholic lemonade and enjoy some maternal-bonding, but you turn her down. For what? Just to get caught an hour later swinging a fifth of that “quadruple distilled.” Absolutely disgraceful. You could have at least been drinking Smirnoff. Mama didn’t raise no bitch.

At the end of the day, while we’re lounging on the sofa, eating our fourth bag of Cheetos Puffs, hogging the TV, and dropping obscenities right in front of our baby siblings, we can relax knowing that our parents love us enough for these things to be… tolerable. They’re not acceptable, but at least they understand.