5 Reasons To Maybe Actually Think About Possibly Going To The Rec Center Potentially

author-pic at University of Missouri  

For those of you who don’t check your school email (you know who you are) you missed out on some very important information regarding the Rec Center. In order to encourage you to fulfill your New Year’s fitness resolution, Mizzou Rec now offers perks for showing up and doing certain activities while there, like going to the rock wall, the boxing gym, or (on the other end of the spectrum) the spa. Some of these rewards are rather dull but we at Black Sheep saved you the trouble of scrolling through them and picked our favorites that we thought you may enjoy.

5.) Deep Tissue Massage:

That’s right. Get ready for a 7-foot-tall Scandinavian Viking woman to drive her elbow so deep into your back you’ll need to go spelunking to get it out. Enjoy her soothing, callused, sandpaper hands roughly glide up and down your naked body, and even slip into a deep trance as her upper neck slowly cuts of circulation and you pass out.

4.) Private Workout Room Sessions:

We’re looking at you ladies. Are you tired of feeling the stares of dozens of ape-men staring at you every time you do a squat? Tired of guys trying to lift heavy things whenever you walk by because they know that you definitely find it impressive? Tired of people thinking that you go to the gym to try and find someone to screw and not just to exercise? Enjoy a private work out room away from the eyes of testosterone fueled boys in tank tops. Finally, be able to do what you really want. Get in. Get your workout done. Then leave so you can reward yourself with some Baja and Netflix.

3.) 80’s Workout Day:

Don your legwarmers and unitards and join us at this rad party. The Rec’s 80’s workout day is the only time you can both workout and look like an alcoholic rainbow threw up all over your wardrobe. Come celebrate the decade where it all started going wrong and do a Jane Fonda workout while smoking on an airplane.

2.) Pay a Buff Guy to Lift Less Than You:

Do you have low self-esteem? Do you have problems impressing others in the gym? Do you have a will to live? Well we’ve got two out of those three so this opportunity is quite exciting. Mizzou Rec know has a collection of cryogenically frozen body builders that you can hire to make you look and feel better. This bodybuilder will follow you all around the Rec for however long you’re there and pretend to struggle with the exercises you’re doing. You look good in front of others. You feel good about yourself. And you support the neverending devastating cycle of consumerism.

1.) Massage With Happy Ending (finals week special):

All schools know that finals are stressful for their students, but only some schools do things about it. Normally schools will do things like renting a bunch of puppies, giving students a day off, or even giving out free food, Mizzou has the best Rec center in the nation and they decided to live up to that title. That’s right, Mizzou Rec will now offer a free happy ending to all students during finals week. So stop masturbating/crying in your dark dorm room to deal with your shitty grades and let Mizzou do it for you. So sit back, relax, and let Truman the Tiger tug one out for ya.