Booze Review: RumChata

author-pic at North Texas University  

Sometimes it’s nice to have a drink that you don’t have to pretend to enjoy just to keep your fragile masculinity intact. After a few sips of this Rumchata, you’ll be calling it YumChata. After a dozen more you’ll finally think that pun was the funniest thing you’ve ever heard, which goes to show how dangerous this stuff is.

Grade: B

Smells Like:

Milk that a wasted Backyardigan would produce.

Tastes Like:

Your dumbass high school-self, who totally thought you could kill half a fifth of booze in 20 minutes.

Typical Drinkers:

– Dumb high schoolers who “totally” think they could kill half a fifth of booze in 20 minutes.

– People who like their bowl of cereal to have a little kick.

– People who gag when their friend buys a round of tequila shots at the bar.

– Patrons of Taco Bell who consider it “authentic Mexican cuisine.”

User Comments:

– “We really ought to just mix this drink ourselves and take out the middleman.”

– “Margaritas are sooooo 2016. RumChata is the future, boi.”

– “Wait, so it’s rice milk? What the hell do they water this rice with?!”

– “I’ve had a lotaaaa RumChataaaa…dang that was pretty good, I should write for The Black Sheep or something.”

– “I’m a third of a way though this bottle and I’ve barely got a buzz going, goddamn.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Margaritas. Well ok, both are pretty great.

What Cereal Pairs Best With This Stuff?:

Probably some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Maybe Apple Jacks if you’re feeling particularly bold, but you’re having booze for breakfast so that’s a given.

Could I Order Some of This at Chipotle?:

No, unfortunately.

When Did They Come Up With This Stuff?:

  1. Can you believe it took someone so long to think to sell this stuff?

We Mixed it With:

Literally nothing. Why fix something if it ain’t broke?