NYU Freshman Scrambles to Accomplish Something In The Next Two Months

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If you’ve heard the faint sounds of panicked screams echoing around campus lately, you probably thought it’s just due to midterm anxiety. While that may be a cause, a large part of that incessant squealing can be traced to one man; Liberal Studies freshman Calvin Wormwood. Though his motivation behind it is more reasonable than you might think.

“I was flipping through my calendar on my phone the other day, trying to avoid seeming like I cared too much about the change from my Starbucks latte when I saw that it was already the end of March,” explained Wormwood. “That means my freshman year will be over in two months! That’s less than eight weeks! That’s not even enough time to compile a depressingly empty macramé-laced scrapbook of my freshman year!”

It’s that “depressingly empty” part of Wormwood’s hypothetical textile-based scrapbook that’s worrying him.

“Here’s the thing, college is supposed to give me the best memories of my life,” cried Wormwood while scurrying around WSP. “I’m supposed to have done things, felt things, achieved things! I’m like, a quarter way done and there’s nothing for me to hang my hat on, other than my hand-varnished ponderosa pine hat hook. But even that seems a bit too gauche to qualify.

To rectify the situation in the limited time available, Wormwood has taken some drastic measures.

“I’ve joined twelve different clubs, 8 1/2 of which I’ve started myself,” he listed. “I’ve started eating out at all the chillest restaurants and hanging out with all the hottest dog-walkers. I just need something to call my own for this year, so it won’t be a complete failure.”

Some say that Wormwood is needlessly overworking himself and that everything will be fine. According to Psychology 101 professor Susie Hobbes, the worry is over nothing:

“I get where the stress comes from, I really do. But I’ve found in almost every case, the problem is overblown. As forgettable as everything seems now, I guarantee that college will be the best years of your life.”

Does that mean Hobbes’ thinks that Wormwood (and the rest of us) will find those magical experiences we all crave?

“Oh, no, but everything’s kind of downhill from here anyway, so it’ll still probably be a highlight.”

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