How To: Steal An Oval Dog

author-pic at Ohio State University  

A great epidemic struck Ohio State this past weekend in its few hours of light Friday afternoon. As groggy Buckeyes emerged from their beds in their effort to beat the clock, the Oval dogs emerged from wherever they were hiding to give us Buckeyes a new purpose in life. If you can’t stop thinking about that one special dog, then there’s a possibility you’ve caught Oval Dog Fever (not baby fever, babies will ruin your life). The only cure for Oval Dog Fever is to gratify your immediate want and steal the dog of your desire (duh). Follow these steps to ensure that come the next sunny day, you will have the dog you yearn after.

Step 1: Plan the Crime on a Day with Good Weather:
Choosing a sunny, warm day for the day of your plan is a major key, because the better the weather, the more dogs you can choose from. Who doesn’t like to maximize their options? Also, the more dogs and people on the Oval, the more distractions there will be to keep your crime unseen by passerbys. Imagine if there was only one dog on the Oval: everyone would see you, because everyone would be staring at the dog. What else would they be staring at?

Step 2: Make the Hammockpeople Your Ally:
Take advantage of the hammockpeople; they are your friends. You’re going to need somewhere to hide out with your dog on your escape route. Though the hammock people may seem super chill and peaceful and hipster and all that other stuff, they’re also assholes, and you’ll probably have to make some negotiations before The Day. Dining dollars, alcohol or time spent with the dog in question could all be possible bargains for the use of their hammock and their trust. Choose your hammockperson wisely.

Step 3: Offer to Pick Up the Shit of the Oval Dog of Your Desire:
It’s a fool-proof plan. Who is going to deny someone else offering to clean up shit? No one. It may be unpleasant on your end, but if you want the damn dog you’re going to have to follow our plan accordingly, or success is not guaranteed.

Step 4: Enter the Distraction:
Even when dogs shit they’re kinda cute, so haters are still going to be watching your every move, jealous that out of all people, you, you lucky bastard, gets the honor of cradling the shit of an Oval Dog. You’re going to have to shut down this no-nonsense quick, and instruct your hammockperson to create the distraction that will leave you time to steal your new BFF. Instruct hammockperson to stand somewhere in the proximity between Thompson and the middle of the Oval and scream one or more of the following names: “URBAN MEYER! ZEKE! JIM HARBAUGH!” Any will do, and if you’re a living, breathing, born-and-raised Buckeye, it is in your DNA to respond to this plea with either excitement or anger like the natural instinct that you know it is. As everyone floods toward the sound of destiny, leash up or carry the Oval dog towards the hammock. Stay there for as long as possible until the people have retreated to their respective homes.

Step 5: Happiness:
The lack of the Oval Dog in your life was the only thing preventing you from being truly happy, so now you can finally enjoy yourself to the fullest extent. Congratulations.

Options other than swiping doggos include: renting them, posting in class Facebook groups that you want to walk a dog for ~free~ and buying one yourself.

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.