5 Things to Do on the Willamette this Memorial Day

author-pic at University of Oregon  

Summer is almost upon us, and every Duck knows what that means. It’s time to blow up your gas station floaties and head to the river for a day of drinking, and getting the fuck bitten out of you by mosquitos. 

5.) Take a Shot for Every Literal Duck You See:

Eugene must love irony because actual ducks have invaded our city. You can even catch them quaking around campus among the other, non-webfoot ducks. Take a drink in the name of solidarity and school spirit every time you see one of our fellow brethren. We’re sure they would want a drink too if they had opposable thumbs.

4.) Drink So Much Your Sweat is 4% Alcohol:

Oregon decided to do a complete 180 with weather, and now it’s hot as balls. Use this change in temperature to your advantage. Drink so much alcohol that the sweat that’s already profusely coming out of you becomes alcoholic. Now you can lick the sweat off your forehead and become even drunker. Tell other people so they’ll lick you too. Sounds like a pretty good Saturday night. 

3.) Pass a J to a Mosquito:

The river is such a fun and beautiful place, with the exception of all the fucking bugs. You’re never more than six inches away from a creepy crawler when you’re in the river. But who says they can’t be chill? Instead of swatting a mosquito suckling on your arm, try passing it a doobie to see if it will chill the fuck out and stop trying suck everyone’s blood, like a 13 year old Twilight fan.

2.) Search for Feral Cats:

The river and the forest area around the Willamette for some reason are home to a community of feral cats. While feral cats are wild animals, who says you can’t be friends? Drunkingly trying to pet a feral cat might get you a few scratches, or it might get you a new companion, and that’s a risk you should be willing to take.

1.) Walk to Autzen:

When you’re floating the river, take a little stroll down memory lane and head to Autzen. It’ll remind you of fall term when there were tailgates, and the school year hadn’t crushed your soul just yet. However, if you are still suffering from post-football season sadness — which, we honestly should all be over by now — it might bring back more sad memories than good.

Memorial Day is the marker for the start of summer and the final home stretch of the school year. Spend it enjoying the one of finest things Eugene has to offer before we all fly home to California.

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